My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
Episode 3

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It's always so impossible to figure out who Claudia is, what with her constantly walking around with that hideous leather handbag draped over her head. No wonder neither member of the couple has any idea what her name is. Anyway, Claudia takes them into the next room, where Steve and Randi sit down on two couches in front of a phone in the middle of a table. She alerts them as to their next challenge in this vague, unstructured world of makeovers, dinners, meetings, back waxings, string quartets, visits to the outdoor set of The Golden Girls, and arbitrary challenges without any actual rewards other than more challenges. And here is what she tells them: "Tonight, you must call your parents. You must tell Mom and Dad that you have just finished a reality show and that you've met someone really special and that you've fallen in love. Then -- and this is the big one -- you must convince your families to join you here at the estate sometime in the next few days." Steve has to go first. Fart. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ahem. Sorry.

Steve takes a deep, dramatic breath and dials. The chops of his actor family are pretty solid, you can tell right off the bat, but Randi can't hear any of his conversation (Dear Speakerphone: Please be invented. Oh, you say you've already been invented? Well, please send a copy of your 'I've been invented' press release to All Concerned, at Big Mansion Street, Sunstone Valley, California. Love, fans of technology everywhere) so what does it matter that they're screaming with excitement that Steve met a girl on a reality show? Still photos introduce us to "Laura," Steve's "mother," and Richard," Steve's "father." Steve asks them if they want to be on TV, and FakeMom answers, "I really want to meet her and see you!" To communicate this message Randi can't hear out loud, Steve resorts to that oldest of cheesy-ass TV devices from old sitcoms, where you saw people talking on phones you could plainly see weren't actually plugged into anything ("What's that? You say I should go fly a kite? And what's that which you also say? That it's not even windy out? Why, I oughtta..."). He repeats what his parents say for Randi's edification, and she responds to his "She's excited to meet you too, Mom" by making a sneering "suck my fart juice" face and putting her pointer and her thumb together and holding the other three fingers up in that "Look at me! I'm a sarcastic peacock!" way that reminds us that, besides being put in a three-week compromising position by the Machiavellian producers, Randi is still nothing more than a total, total bitch. Even if she and Steve are not a couple -- which, I know, they're not -- those people are still his parents -- which, I know, they're not. It's all so convoluted I barely even remember who I hate anymore. In a confessional, Steve tells us that Randi will absolutely believe them as a family, but adds, "These are people you kind of hear about, but certainly not from Littleton, Colorado." Well, what the hell does that mean? Oh, look. Randi's parents. I know what that means now.

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My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance




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