We pick up where left off last week, with Geraldo (or should I say "Gerardo") hosting a second episode of Inside Probe (think Inside Edition with more overt innuendo) about Crab Shack owner Ernie Belcher. We get a quick recap and then jump right in. There are numerous theories: Alien abduction is the most popular, but Darnell thinks it has something to do with the nation of Central that Ernie still flew the flag of, even though it existed for all of ten minutes during the Civil War. And some folks think it has to do with his fetish videos (he has a site, and most of our cast starred in some of the weird videos on it: Joy kicked Tim Stack's agent in the crotch a bunch of times, Earl ate mac and cheese out of a shoe, Catalina put Tim Stack in a bunch of leg locks, and Randy put on lipstick). Joy finally suggests it might have to do with the surveillance cameras in the women's room.
Well, it doesn't really, but that leads to a tape that is apparently long enough to include things that happened while Geraldo was in town taping Inside Probe (he gives himself a motivational speech into the mirror cam), all the way back to Ernie's disappearance. It turns out he fell into the wet concrete floor being put down in the ladies' room (while trying to change the tape for his cameras) when Darnell and someone else fought on the roof and knocked the power out; the explosion is what made everyone else suspect UFOs and aliens. Ernie's nose, eight years later, still sticks out of the floor. Everyone thought it was a door stop or a gum scraper, but nope, it's a human nose. Everyone touches it, which was possibly supposed to be touching, but was mostly gross. And also impossible, since I'm fairly certain it would have decayed long before now. I think, "Just one more episode in this long season."
We get a brief recap of last week's Inside Probe episode disguised as part of the episode in Earl's voiceover. Randy announces that the second part is on now. Everyone at the Crab Shack watches, and Earl acknowledges they are on Central Time, which he hadn't believed. Geraldo comes on screen and catches us up: Ernie owned the Crab Shack. He disappeared. Everyone loved him. Randy's letters made it seem like he and Earl murdered Ernie. The town freaked out, including the convenience store employee, Catalina and Patty, who thought Ernie was a gentleman, because he held a shirt over her head when it rained while she was "working" on him. It made her feel like a princess. The Hickeys had a cheap lawyer (Wilfrid Dierkes, who's also Tim Stack's agent), so it wasn't looking good. Until Michael Waltrip's -- whose testimony Geraldo says counts as that of three regular Americans -- photos gave them an alibi. So Geraldo tells us where we stand now: Inside Probe decided to dig. A little deeper. Into the Earth. To find the treasure chest. Of the truth. Of this mystery." Geraldo is actually very funny and self-deprecating here, thank God. Funny Inside Probe intro, followed by My Name Is Earl intro.
At the Crab Shack, everyone's watching. Randy can't wait to find out who did it, and he's just glad it wasn't him. Although he acknowledges what an awesome twist that would be, since he's always thought of himself as such a nice guy. Earl thinks someone called the "Cheese Grater Killer" did it. He reminds Randy of the big pile of ground beef with a sock in it that they found in the parking lot. Randy really hopes that wasn't Ernie, since he ate the beef and is wearing the sock. Ew. And ew. Darnell says no one even knows Ernie's dead, and it could be something totally normal, such as he was forced to leave town, change his identity, and maybe he married a hot blonde. Joy asks who marries a hot blonde and doesn't brag about it. Earl thinks if Ernie were alive, he would have found a way to get in touch, so he's sticking with the Cheese Grater.
On screen, Geraldo says the investigation moved on from the Hickey boys to something a little more out-of-this-world. Geraldo's interviewing Randy and Earl, and Earl tells him that Randy has an interesting hypothesis (which Earl can't pronounce): that it was aliens. Geraldo explains that alien abduction stories aren't new, and date all the way back to cavemen. We see some totally real hieroglyphics to illustrate this. Earl says Joy also saw a bright light, so Geraldo can even ask her. Then he compliments Geraldo's 'stache and asks if he puts conditioner on it. Geraldo says he does, but that the conditioner is very expensive.