A sign outside Earl's prison has the tagline, "If you were a rapist, you'd be home right now." I really admire their proper use of the subjunctive. Earl explains that he's been trying to sleep through his prison sentence, just like a long family car ride. Oh, I remember the days when I used to crawl up into the back window and take a nap. My brother got the big bench seat, and I had to take the window, being younger. Ah, the days before car seats. Anyway, Randy wakes up Earl to tell him Warden Coach wants to see him.
Earl walks into the warden's office and take a seat. The warden starts rambling about how much he hates execution day, especially when the guy dies with a funny look on his face and you giggle, and then you're the jerk laughing at the dead guy. Man, I hate that. Anyway, Warden Coach wants to start a Scared Straight program. Earl thinks he's talking about "reforming" gay people, but Warden Coach says he wants to scare kids out of a life of crime. They used to bring the kids to the prison, but there was an incident. Flashback to the warden ushering the kids back onto the school bus until one little girl says she has a new buddy -- it's a little person inmate, trying to lam it. Warden Coach promises Earl another five weeks off his prison sentence if he'll help with the program. Earl agrees, and the warden tells him to pick three prisoners to do a presentation with him. Would they really let prisoners go into schools these days? Hell, I can barely get into a school to visit my nephew, and I don't have a record. Or own a weapon.
Before Earl can start on his new project, he has to help Randy out. Someone wrote APE on Randy's forehead while he took a nap. Earl explains that Randy was not a great prison guard. Flashback to a prisoner hugging Randy and stealing his mace, so Earl swipes it back before Randy notices. Another time, Randy slides a dinner through a slot to someone in solitary, and the guy pulls Randy's hand in and...does things with it. Dirty things. Earl comes along and grabs a fire extinguisher, discharging it into the slot (dirty!). Another time, Randy introduced a new prisoner to a roomful of guys as both an ex-cop and a child molester. Back in the present, Earl cleans Randy's forehead and explains that he knew he needed to keep Randy close to protect him. Earl tells Randy he's going to be the guard for their project.
Meanwhile, Joy is stuck in the side of the waterbed with the mattress "pressing against [her] like a creepy uncle." For some reason, they recap that Joy is carrying her half-sister's baby. She yells at Darnell that a monster truck went by and created a tidal wave. She adds that she wouldn't have agreed to carry this baby if she knew the parents, Liberty and Ray Ray, were "part of the Nazi Gazpacho." Cut to Liberty reading a list of things Joy can't have during pregnancy, like fried foods and trans fats. Joy explains that first-timers are overprotective, and she switched to Marlboro Lights and he still has asthma. Ray Ray reads another list, and Joy protests, "No g-strings or canned cheese? How the hell am I supposed to celebrate New Year's?" How indeed? Darnell unscrews the side of the bed and Joy tumbles onto the floor.