Ring ring. Patty and her fake mom tumble through the front door of Chase Place in their eagerness to beat each other to the phone. Patty gets there first and it is, of course, Angela. "No, you can't have dinner at Rayanne's. Because Grandma's here and I thought it would be nice if you --" Grandma says Angela should eat at Rayanne's, then changes her mind just as Patty relates this to Angela, forcing Patty to reverse in mid-sentence and ask for Rayanne's address so she can pick Angela up. Grandma then launches into a quickly escalating monologue-of-worry about whether or not Grandpa will be healthy enough for the anniversary party on Saturday, while also rearranging everything on Patty's entrance table. Patty restores her vase and candlesticks to their rightful places, saying, "Maybe you're right, maybe you should postpone it until he's feeling better." This triggers a monologue expressing all of the opposite sentiments. Patty observes, astutely, that, "On the one hand you're saying, 'How can we do this?' And on the other hand you're saying, 'How can we not do this?'" Grandma says, "Exactly." Welcome to Chase Place, home of Abbott and Costello. But just as we think we're simply being treated to some wacky vaudeville farce, Grandma subtly reveals her secret plan: "If only we could hold it someplace else, someplace where he would feel more at home. Someplace -- like -- here!" As though it has just occurred to her. Then, as the Bongos of Motherly Manipulation enter trepidatiously, Grandma says, "But I couldn't do that to you." Oh, but she could, Patty. And she will.
Upstairs, Graham is hiding from the whirlwind of guilt and passive aggression in the entrance hall. Patty comes up and complains, "She's down there. She's rearranging my candlesticks. Help me." Graham gives Patty what is, actually, pretty good advice: "You go down there and you say, 'Mom, I love you, but you are driving me to an early grave. Do not touch my candlesticks. Ever.' That's what you do." Patty tells Graham he's naïve. Yeah, Graham, don't you know that direct and healthy confrontation of your emotions is passé? Instead we all must suffer in silence, pushing our feelings deep down inside where they can eat away at our souls, or explode in a maelstrom of undirected rage. You naïf, Graham. Meanwhile, Patty discovers that Graham has been making a list of possible goals and job contacts. "That's great!" she enthuses. "It's not great, it's just something I'm doing." "Okay." She smiles a big plastic smile. Graham: "Oh, don't get all enthusiastic and ruin it for me." Patty: "Do I do that?" Mm hm. Graham: "Mm hm." Patty wants Graham to go run interference with her mom while Patty goes to pick up Angela, but he refuses. "I'd do it for you," she says. Graham points out that his mother is dead. I hate Patty. Graham points out that, furthermore, "You wouldn't have to do it for me. I enjoyed my mother's company." Patty begs pathetically, but Graham stands firm. Just then, we here the Evil Grandma announce from downstairs that "I'll just be in the kitchen, poking around." Graham's eyes go psychotic, and he says, "'Poking around'?" and heads downstairs.