We open on Darnell carefully carrying a plate of crab as Earl tells us that Ernie's Crab Shack was named after three things. Though those things seem fairly obvious, Earl explains: the type of food, the type of building, and the owner, Ernie Belcher. Apparently, Ernie's been missing for years, and no one thought they'd ever find out what happened to him. Until today. Randy runs into the Crab Shack yelling, "It's coming on!" It's their episode of Inside Probe, apparently. Earl wonders why it took so long, since they filmed it years ago. Darnell takes the blame saying that now that he's no longer in witness protection, he was able to sign the release papers. He adds that his Wheel of Fortune will finally air, too. I wish he'd said Jeopardy instead. Joy wishes Darnell would stop milking the witness protection thing, since all he does is talk about it. She says everyone has stories they're proud of. For example, she went to the prom as a sixth-grader.
Geraldo Rivera comes on the Crab Shack TV. He says he's sitting in for Stone Phillips as the host of Inside Probe, who's recovering from some serious plastic surgery. Which is, I think, trying to be funny, because Geraldo is the guy who had plastic surgery on his show. Anyway, eight years ago, Inside Probe came to Camden to investigate the disappearance of Ernie, a likeable business owner. They want to figure out (or, you know, probe) if it was MURDER. Flashes of Camdenites we know. And the episode of Inside Probe is apparently called "Claws of Death: Unknown." Wow, that is really not clever. And now we get to watch Camdenites watch themselves on another show.
Geraldo's at Yummy Donuts as some Camdenites walk by. He wants us to understand the people who live here. Earl and Randy go by in the back of Joy's Brat. Geraldo starts in about Earl Jehosaphat Hickey. Did we know that was his middle name? Born and raised in Camden. We get lots of pictures of Jason Lee with his eyes PhotoShopped closed. After his crappy life, crime was the only way out. At the time of Inside Probe, Earl had 77 misdemeanors under his belt, and even stole one of the show's cameras. We get a shot of him looking into it saying, "Look at me! I'm Gerardo!" [sic] Earl talks on camera about how much he likes Ernie. Geraldo moves on to Randy, Earl's younger "and, if you can believe it, stupider brother." That is such excellent reporting, Gerardo. I also love that Stone Phillips is recovering now, but Geraldo was apparently also filling in for him eight years ago, since he's the one walking around in Camden and interviewing people and having his camera stolen. Anyway, Randy's name is Randall Do Hickey. He's developed a love of guns, smashing things with shovels and balancing things on his head. And since he copies Earl, he also has 77 misdemeanors. Randy's fond memories of Ernie: He taught him to tie his shoes, and he's known him for almost two years. Randy's sure Ernie will come home soon. He thinks aliens take people on a short ride.