Next up it's time for a Gabe video montage. Gabe likes to wear hats and necklaces and is very consistent and also Latino. He sings "Gone Country" by Alan Jackson, which sounds like every other song he's sung for the past eight weeks. He sounds great, too, and tries his hand at a little charisma. Jeffrey points out that Gabe already is country, and that he's one of the best voices on the show ever. John says that Gabe has done himself proud, his state proud, and his heritage proud. I think even Gabe is sick of John Rich pointing out that his got a little flava. Jewel is proud of Gabe, and says that there's a great future for him. And she wants to bone him in secret when her boyfriend is off riding a cow or whatever.
The contestants stand with Billy Ray. He asks Jewel who she thinks will win. Jewel says, and I quote, "This isn't fair, golly." She's suddenly in a 1940s newsreel, I guess, which might actually explain the lipstick. Jewel hopes that both of the contestants win. When there is some mild booing she yells out, "I'm a girl! I'm allowed!" Grow a pair of ovaries to go with those small hands, chucker. John Rich thinks it's a horse race and a photo finish. Jeffrey jokes that he's holding out for Pearl Heart to win, before saying that he's going with Gabe. Melissa sucks her teeth and thinks about how she might retroactively poison that apple tart she baked for him.
Before we learn who wins, we see each of the final two recording the winning song with John Rich. They both did great, and either would make a fine winner. We go to the judges for their final thoughts. Haven't we done that several times already? The Vicodin is wearing off! Oh, and then Lord, Jewel congratulates America. Thanks, Jewel, it means the world to us to have your approval. There is some small talk between Katie Cook and the final two. Billy Ray stands there awkwardly. And I suppose this is as good a time as any to make a formal apology to a man whom I previously thought was perhaps the most reprehensible, talentless hack in all of Hollywood. Here goes. Ryan Seacrest: as it turns out, I was wrong when I stated (multiple times) that any moron with half a head full of rocks and a mullet could do your job. As has been demonstrated week after week on Nashville Star, that is in fact not true. I shall appreciate your subtle talents evermore, and not just because I love Kathy Griffin so much.