Gabe and Melissa stand amidst dramatic lighting and music. Billy Ray reads from the teleprompter, and then announces that the new Nashville Star is...is...is...Melissa Lawson! Wow! I mean, I guess it's not actually that exciting, but I can't help but get a little happy when people win things. Unless they are Saleisha winning America's Next Top Model. Which brings me to my next question...do you think this thing was rigged from the beginning? I mean, Melissa's great, but the whole thing seems a little pre-ordained. Except then I think that Billy Ray Cyrus actually forgets Melissa's name for a minute. Katie Cook has to mouth it and point at her. Melissa recovers well, though, and sings her new song, "What If It All Goes Right?" It's all very "I Believe This Is My Moment Flying Without Wings Like This." She sounds a little rough, in part because she's actively choking on confetti. Her kids rush up and she gives them mad love, then tells them to fix themselves some cereal for dinner because mama's got some money to make.

And to the six of you out there who have read these weecaps, I thank you! Now take that 99 cents you were going to use to download "What If It All Goes Right" and get yourself a copy of "Jolene" instead.

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Potes has half a thyroid and a burgeoning Vicodin addiction, and wants Dolly Parton to adopt her. She can be reached at potesypotes at gmail.com.