Nashville Star

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What If It All Goes...Snore

Woo! Nashville Star finale! I am writing this weecap from my recovery couch, having just undergone a partial thyroidectomy. And believe me, the pain of having half of my thyroid removed was nothing compared to the pain of seeing the likes of Cof-FAY and Laura & Sophie perform week after week. Nashville Star has steeled me. I also might be writing this under the influence of Vicodin and with a big scarf around my neck, which means I'm turning into Stevie Nicks as we speak. Just like the white winged dove sings a song, Melissa's singing. Hoo, baby, hoo, said hoo. Shawn made me cry, made me break down, shattered my illusions of love. Gabe Garcia rings like a bell through the night. Anyway, okay, here we go. I'm taking my love, taking it down.

Katie Cook has taken the 10:00 p.m. start time to heart, and is wearing her satin and sequin dominatrix dress with new ruby-red grapefruit d├ęcolletage. Pretty! She introduces the judges/mentors, who introduce our final three. John Rich calls Melissa one of the most gifted vocalists he's ever heard in his entire life. I like her and all, but I don't know if I'd go that far. In all fairness, he probably listens to a LOT of Big & Rich. Jeffrey then introduces the comeback kid, Shawn Mayer, who is also extra boobiful tonight. Jewel, whose stringy, lifeless hair really emphasizes her snaggletooth, introduces the "country through and through" Gabe Garcia. Katie Cook tells us that last week we cast almost five million votes. Including the three votes I cast for "putting us out of our misery."

And then -- oh, God. Please let this be a Vicodin-induced haze. Alas. We kick the night off with one of the biggest country songs ever. Yes, my friends, it's Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart." He opted for the dancers. I have never been so happy to see skanks line dancing. Well, that might not be technically true. Billy Ray does not seem all that excited about the dancing skanks, which is strange because they must remind him quite a bit of daddy's little breadwinner. Seriously, Billy Ray, if you're reading this -- take that child's cell phone away. Gabe comes out to sing a few lines with BRC, and it's telling that Gabe seems like the Will Smith of country musicians next to the outsized persona of Billy Ray. Shawn Mayer comes out next, followed by Melissa. Oh, and then all the booted contestants! They all are forced to line dance, though not in Daisy Dukes. It's a shame, as I bet Cof-FAY could wear the shit out of them. There are pyrotechnics, which really do make me wish that the rooms were all on fire, and that they had to evacuate the building, and the show was over, yay.

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Nashville Star

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