Nashville Star

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What If It All Goes...Snore

The contestants stand with Billy Ray. He asks Jewel who she thinks will win. Jewel says, and I quote, "This isn't fair, golly." She's suddenly in a 1940s newsreel, I guess, which might actually explain the lipstick. Jewel hopes that both of the contestants win. When there is some mild booing she yells out, "I'm a girl! I'm allowed!" Grow a pair of ovaries to go with those small hands, chucker. John Rich thinks it's a horse race and a photo finish. Jeffrey jokes that he's holding out for Pearl Heart to win, before saying that he's going with Gabe. Melissa sucks her teeth and thinks about how she might retroactively poison that apple tart she baked for him.

Before we learn who wins, we see each of the final two recording the winning song with John Rich. They both did great, and either would make a fine winner. We go to the judges for their final thoughts. Haven't we done that several times already? The Vicodin is wearing off! Oh, and then Lord, Jewel congratulates America. Thanks, Jewel, it means the world to us to have your approval. There is some small talk between Katie Cook and the final two. Billy Ray stands there awkwardly. And I suppose this is as good a time as any to make a formal apology to a man whom I previously thought was perhaps the most reprehensible, talentless hack in all of Hollywood. Here goes. Ryan Seacrest: as it turns out, I was wrong when I stated (multiple times) that any moron with half a head full of rocks and a mullet could do your job. As has been demonstrated week after week on Nashville Star, that is in fact not true. I shall appreciate your subtle talents evermore, and not just because I love Kathy Griffin so much.

Gabe and Melissa stand amidst dramatic lighting and music. Billy Ray reads from the teleprompter, and then announces that the new Nashville Star is...is...is...Melissa Lawson! Wow! I mean, I guess it's not actually that exciting, but I can't help but get a little happy when people win things. Unless they are Saleisha winning America's Next Top Model. Which brings me to my next question...do you think this thing was rigged from the beginning? I mean, Melissa's great, but the whole thing seems a little pre-ordained. Except then I think that Billy Ray Cyrus actually forgets Melissa's name for a minute. Katie Cook has to mouth it and point at her. Melissa recovers well, though, and sings her new song, "What If It All Goes Right?" It's all very "I Believe This Is My Moment Flying Without Wings Like This." She sounds a little rough, in part because she's actively choking on confetti. Her kids rush up and she gives them mad love, then tells them to fix themselves some cereal for dinner because mama's got some money to make.

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Nashville Star

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