Oooh! And then we get a sneak peek of the new season of The Biggest Loser! Families! Since I've been recapping that show, whenever I see a person of size I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Maybe that's why I'm so partial to Melissa.

When we return, it's time for Jewel, John, and Jeffrey to perform a medley of their original songs. Notice that no one asked Billy Ray to join this special performance. Jewel sings a bit of "You Were Meant for Me," and sounds even more like a mentally retarded eight year old than she did in the original. Sorry, that was offensive. But man, do I hate when grown women use a baby voice. She then sings a bit of "Foolish Games," and I want to stab her in the snaggletooth. It's hard to believe that "Hands" is not part of this medley, as it is the pinnacle of lyricism in the 20th century. Jeffrey is next, belting out "What Hurts the Most," which was made into a hit by that God-awful band Rascal Flatts. He then sings "The Cowboy in Me," which was a Tim McGraw song. I had no idea he wrote that! Jeffrey Steele really knows how to make shitloads of money, doesn't he? That is a special talent I wish I had. I would sell out so fast I'd get a speeding ticket. And then John Rich comes out, saying that he's going to get country on our ass. He sings a song called "Hicktown," which is all about being proud of how everyone in your town is an ignoramus, followed by "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Jewel seems just a tad embarrassed to be playing along with the latter. I hope the memories haunt her for the rest of her life. Though then she will probably write a song about it called, "Memories Haunt Me," and that will become the new pinnacle of lyricism for the 21st century.

The next safe contestant is Gabe Garcia. He'll be singing his song "Lost Weekend." Gabe's mind is blown to be on the Grand Ole Opry stage. He wrote "Lost Weekend" with a couple of his buddies, and it's about a long-married couple going off to bang each other in a shady motel or have a ménage a trois or whatever you do to revive your boring-ass relationship when you get sick of each other. Gabe says the song is 100% him. Gabe performs, and the song totally sounds like a country song you'd hear on the radio. It includes the phrase "sweet nothings," which I originally thought was "sweet lovin'." I liked it better that way. In the second verse, the couple totally bangs on the beach. The song also includes the phrase "love on you," which is only found in country songs. The chorus tells us that there's no telling what this couple will find on a lost weekend. I'm guessing it's either the g-spot or the bald man in the boat. ...I'm sorry, first I called Jewel retarded and now I'm defiling Gabe's totally innocent song. I'm going camping (for the first time ever!) with dirty hippies at a folk festival in a few days, and it's really made me testy. Pray for me. (And also, if you're going to be at Falcon Ridge...come say hi! I love dirty hippies! I'll be the one maniacally trying to clean myself with baby wipes and complaining a lot and singing "You Were Meant for Me" in a baby voice around the campfire.)