This week on Assville Star: original songs! At the Grand Ole Opry! And the judges perform together for the first time. Oh, joy.
Katie Cook introduces Billy Ray Cyrus, who doesn't want to waste any time. And why doesn't he want to waste any time? Because he wants to get this party started. Oh, yeah. And wasting time while being a waste of space would just be overkill.
The first contestant who is safe is Cof-FAY. Seriously? The waterworks worked, I guess. Cof-FAY has written a song called "Southern Man." Sadly, I doubt that Cof-FAY has ever listened to Neil Young. Cof-FAY is nervous driving to the Grand Ole Opry, and when he walks on the stage he says it took his breath away, literally. But not so literally that he could never sing again, because that would be too awesome. Jewel thinks that Cof-FAY's song explains a lot about him, and somehow proves that he's country. Not only that, says Cof-FAY, but people can have fun with it. On stage, Cof-FAY attempts to work it. The song is sort of a laundry list of things that make Cof-FAY a southern man. Such as catfish frying in a pan. And cowboy hats. And trucks. And wearing your hat cocked to the side. And square dancing. And cheese on your eggs. I think cheese is really universal, so I don't buy that. And apparently southern people don't use the phone? Well, that explains a lot, I guess. The song is okay. It sounds kind of like a slightly twangier Jack Johnson song. As the melody has about four notes total, it plays to Cof-FAY's lack of vocal strengths.
Jeffrey, as the pro songwriter on the panel, was eagerly anticipating reaming all the contestants on original song night. He remembers Cof-FAY singing this early on in the competition, and really wanted to hate it. But he didn't. He says it's a little novel overall, but Cof-FAY did an all right job. John Rich says that while Cof-FAY's song might have turned on the crowd, it's not a country radio hit. It was a great performance, he says, but not a great song. Cof-FAY gives some lip and raises his arm to display copious pits. Notice that Certain-Dri wasn't mentioned anywhere in the song. Jewel is proud that Cof-FAY stood for what he is. A mediocre singer/songwriter? All right, then. If you want to download Cof-FAY's song, it's on iTunes and CD Baby. I'm sure at 8:05 the Internet slowed to a grinding halt with all the traffic. I will give Cof-FAY that he knows how to wear a bedazzled shirt. Those of you on the forums will be happy to note that Billy Ray Cyrus tells Chet not to vote. Poor maligned Chet.