Nashville Star

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Consoled a Cup of Coffey, But It Didn’t Wanna Talk

Next up is Gabe Garcia. He heads back to his hometown of Lytle, Texas, and gets a huge welcome at the airport. Gabe has a police escort, and people are holding signs and waving to him from bridges. There's a big-ass parade with cheerleaders and ladies standing in the back of trucks and whatnot. Gabe is given the key to the city, and notes that his father served on the city council for fourteen years and would have deserved this more than Gabe does. The passing of Gabe's father made him realize that life is short, and he needed to chase his dreams. He has a crowd of 10,000 people, and his concert is complete with fireworks. On stage, Gabe sings a song called "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by the dream team of Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet. Let me tell you right now that I went to a Jimmy Buffet concert once, and I will take the port-a-potties for a week before I ever step foot into a freaky scene like that again. It was exactly the opposite of what it means to be a human being in the highest sense.

Anyway, Gabe sounded okay, but not exceptional. Jeffrey says that he was a bit shaky on the start, and a bit shaky on the ending. He notes that Gabe has been sick, too. John Rich says that there is a big void in country music today, in that there is no artist who can bridge the gap to the Hispanic community. He thinks that Gabe is the real deal, and has a shot at winning the show. Jewel reminds us that she's from a small town in Alaska, where humans are more human in the highest sense than anyplace else on earth. Because really, this show is all about Jewel.

Next up is Cof-FAY, who goes to the super-thank-God-I'm-a-country-boy town of Los Angeles, California. He decided to go there instead of Texas because his daughter, Savannah, is in L.A. She is once again the cutest. Cof-FAY's dad asks who the man is. Cof-FAY is the man, in case you were wondering. Cof-FAY goes to a church that I think is called the Dream Center, where there is a crowd of people waiting for him. And then I think he talks to incarcerated youth (?????). And then he meets actress Patricia Heaton (??????????). And then he meets -- wait for it -- Sinbad (???????????????????????????????). And then he gives a big-ass concert for a bunch of people, and I'm sure it was terrible. On stage, Cof-FAY sings "Sweet Home Alabama." He begins with an invocation for Ronnie Van Zant to rest in peace. The ghost of Ronnie Van Zant is making itself known in Cof-FAY's armpits. Seriously, get that man some perspiration pads!

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Nashville Star

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