The next safe contestant is -- I shit you not -- Cof-FAY, singing Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's "It's Your Love." Well, at least it's not that gross "Let's Make Love" song that they sing. Cof-FAY tells us that this song brought up a lot of emotions about the death of his mom. And did you know, by the way, that he has an adorable daughter? Cof-FAY starts crying, and then says that this is the first time in his life that he's let people in. And who better to let in than all of America, or the three people who are watching this show in addition to me? Coffey sounds really weird and flat and goat-vibratoed in his performance. It suuuuuuuuucks. Oh, and then the motherfucker totally squeezes out some tears. Unfortunately, a perfect one does not trickle down his cheek "Nothing Compares 2 U" style as the song ends. So, let me clarify. There are no tears on his face. And yet, he very obviously wipes his face of tears. If John Rich has a true ball in his sac he's totally going to call Cof-FAY on this. Jeffrey Steele tells Coffey that up until now he's had a lot of charisma, but he hasn't been sold on what Coffey has done. And yet, even though there were many pitch problems, tonight Jeffrey Steele is kind of into Coffey! The heck? That was terrible! And then John Rich agrees with Jeffrey Steele! He commends Coffey on the emotion in the song. He just proved he was a real human being, says John. Jewel thanks Coffey. Seriously? She just thanked him for making our ears bleed? Oh, God, and then Jewel spouts off on how music is healing and has healed all the sorrows in her heart. You know, like the time she lived in her van or was born with small hands or what the fuck ever. It means the world that Coffey let the audience see an authentic, real emotional experience. Maybe I am just a cynical hag. I mean, yes, I am, but maybe even more than I thought. I buy it, like, 20%, but there's no way he wasn't playing that up. Right?
Mary Hart Junior asks Shawn if she thinks she might be going home tonight. Uh, yeah.
The next safe contestant is Melissa Lawson. Oh, good times. She'll be singing "My Baby Loves Me," by Martina McBride. Melissa is of course thinking about her husband during love song week, because he loves her no matter how fat she is. I mean, seriously, that's what she says. A photo montage not only shows their love, but Melissa's spiky red hair of days yore! Melissa tells her husband that she's singing not only for America's vote, but to him. But mostly for America's vote. Melissa's crazy eyes are in full force, but she sounds really great, and it's nice to get an up-tempo song on this night. Melissa also seems more and more comfortable on stage, which is nice. And seriously, the bitch can sing. There's not a note awry. She gets my vote for serious.