Laura and Sophie are up first, singing "Picture to Burn," which Taylor Swift sang on this show a few weeks ago. Braces says that this song is perfect for any situation that she's been in. She burns pictures of ex-boyfriends, Hillary Clinton, her mom, Jewel, her dogs, Braceless. Right after sticking pins in them, of course. Braceless tells us that she had a boyfriend her freshman year who pretty much ruined her relationship with Braces for six months. And every guy Braces has been with has pretty much screwed her over. Only 16 and already so bitter! Braceless tells us that relationships come and go but friends are forever. I see these two in sort of an all-friend version of Grey Gardens in about 50 years. Don't forget to feed the raccoons, Braces!
Laura & Sophie actually sound pretty good for them. They should have been singing teen-pop-country all along! Oh, man, and then we get to the judges' critiques. John Rich can't even comment on their performance because he's so upset about last week. He'd like an explanation -- as would MILLIONS of people, apparently -- as to why Braceless thinks it's okay to roll her eyes and disrespect Jewel ---yes, the legendary queen of country herself, Jewel -- on national television. Braceless says that she didn't even know she was doing it, and apologizes. Now, see, if I were Braceless, I would figure that I was probably going to go home and had nothing to lose tonight and say that Jewel was being a motherfucking stank and deserved a punch in the throat, so was in fact lucky that she only got the eye roll. I have been a bit inspired by seeing Lucinda Williams this past weekend tell an audience member who yelled, "Play some Pink Floyd!" that if he didn't like what he was motherfucking hearing he could motherfucking leave. THAT is country, motherfuckers. Jewel, who tries to pretend that she's not pissed about The Incident That Shook All Of Nashville To Its Foundations, but is obviously totally pissed nonetheless, says that maybe Braceless was having a seizure. Only kindness matters, right? She tells the girls that they look better than they've looked, but their harmonies have consistently gotten worse and that they suck all around. Jeffrey tells the girls that they look really grown-up, and he hopes it can carry them to the end. He says that it wasn't a great performance. The judges just hate them. I mean, I do too, but they were totally better than Ashlee and Cof-FAY. You know Braces is going to beat Braceless with wire hangers backstage for pissing off the judges with the eye roll.