Oh my God, where to begin? Well, how about with Rayna and Deacon making out. They are so happy and innocent, just making out in Rayna's dressing room and talking about how Deacon should come over to have dinner with the girls. And then when Deacon DOES come over for dinner, he starts to sing "Ho Hey" with them and it's magical until Teddy comes and ruins everything, as is his custom. He freaks out and serves Rayna with a restraining order, whereby the girls can't get within 100 feet of Deacon. Rayna is all, "WTF?" And in response Teddy actually notes that he's grown a pair. More like a baker's dozen! But Lamar shows that he's more powerful than the mayor in at least some aspects as he calls in a favor and a judge throws out the restraining order. Rayna goes to see Teddy and proposes being reasonable adults, telling him that she'll never do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Maddie. But alas! Her promises are in vein because Maddie, who earlier had overheard Rayna telling Deacon that she loved him and had been informed that the two were dating, pulls a top secret box out of the bottom of her mom's closet and finds a paternity test. And, well, you know what it says. Meanwhile, Rayna Jaymes couldn't put that shit in a safe deposit box or something? I won't get into next week's preview other than to say that everyone is going to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Including me.

Anyway! Gunnar is still being a jackass as well as a fake outlaw, but is really camping up his rough and tumble image at the urging of his producer. He does a radio interview whereby he says he does what he wants in his life and relationship (THAT does not go over well on the home front!) and plays a show at some dirty rock club. When he's called out by a patron for his actual lack of outlaw cred, he and Will (who's there to basically give Gunnar a big WTF) resort to fisticuffs with the heckler and land in jail. At this point I think that's a boon for Gunnar's bio. Because they're in jail, they miss Scarlett's debut at the Opry. And yes, Scarlett gets to do a number on the Grand Ole Opry stage as Rayna announces her new label (to which, it seems, Will is also going to be signed). Though Gunnar is absent, Avery is beaming proudly in the audience as Scarlett crosses her eyes and opens her mouth wide enough to swallow the whole Opry in its entirety. Her scraggly weave has grown to Rapunzel proportions, and all the chipmunks of the forest scamper on stage to sing sweet harmony. The audience gives her a standing ovation, and at that moment I was hoping SHE was the one who would end up dead, via a falling chandelier or some such thing. Sadly, it is not to be. She does, however, dump Gunnar after bailing him out of jail.

And THEN. You guys. Juliette has a brief foray into flirting with Avery while professing not to believe in love, and also enjoys acting like a brat while rehearsing CMA presenter dialogue with Rayna. At home, of course, Dante is blackmailing her with the threat of releasing their sex tape. At first he wants $2 million, but later changes his demand to $10 million. Though she was willing to go along at first, Juliette eventually decides that the whole world knows she's a train wreck anyway, so she might as well let him release it and give an exclusive to The View (and, I imagine, get a cut of the profits herself). And THEN. Sigh. Jolene goes to her old dealer and asks for some Oxy, along with an ominous "something else." She calls up Dante to say that Juliette won't give him the $10 million, but she can still access the $2 million. She makes it like she's still in love with him, which may be partially true. And then, because Jolene doesn't want to embarrass her daughter with bad press, she shoots Dante (who is also strung out) and then overdoses on Juliette's couch. Cue "So You've Had a Bad Day."