I've Been Down that Road Before

Episode Report Card
Potes: A+ | 5 USERS: A
Love in an Elevator
ner, but he wasn't going to leave her on stage alone. Glenn then goes for Deacon's broody jugular by asking if he's trying to turn Juliette into his replacement Rayna. Deacon says that Juliette is his boss and he's just doing what she wants, but Glenn tells him to stay in his lane, which is not a lane belonging to a boyfriend nor a manager but an easily replaceable hired gun. Deacon barely takes his eyes off of the TV, but a clenched jaw tells us that Glenn's hit a nerve when he says that Deacon isn't the person to talk about the distinction between doing and thinking, since all anyone's ever seen him do is think. Whatever crap Deacon has going on with Rayna, Glenn says, Juliette isn't part of his solution. And... nailed it!

And then it's time for another elevator ride. THE elevator ride! Rayna steps in and this time it's Deacon who sticks a hand in the closing door to get inside. This is NO ACCIDENT. Fed up with his brooding silence of the past few days, Rayna finally comes out with it and asks what the hell he's doing on this tour. Deacon maintains his silence for a beat then turns and just lays it on her. "It" is of course a serious elevator kiss. When you compare the Teddy kiss to the Deacon kiss, you can easily understand where Rayna is coming from with the twelve years of ambivalence in her marriage. Sadly, she can't let a good thing be, so stops this rather excellent kiss to confusedly ask once again what he's doing on the tour. The answer obviously is, "Waiting for opportunities to smooch the living daylights out of you, so be quiet and just enjoy it." He does finally say that he's done talking, which is a relief given how confusing their conversations tend to be. Much more pleasing for everybody to have a super-hot makeout sesh!

The two go at it for a couple more floors, and I think it's no coincidence that the hot sexy physical manifestation of Deacon's true feelings has come just as Rayna is no longer wearing a hideous blouse with neck bow. The warm wood in the elevator is also doing fantastic things to her already miraculous hair. And then Deacon is SO DEACON as he just gets out on his floor and leaves Rayna to wonder what the fuck is even happening right now. Poor Rayna returns to her extremely covetable penthouse suite, and just paces and paces while looking fabulous in a V-neck sweater.

Meanwhile, Gunnar is moving into Scarlett's place and marveling at the news that her mom thought the second bedroom in the house was actually Scarlett's. She says that her family has a whole "plausible deniability" thing, where as long as you pretend everything's good and proper, it's fine. Gunnar calls it an "agreed upon delusion," just like his moving into the house as a "roommate." There's a knock on the door, and of course it's Avery. He came to make peace and give Scarlett the money he owes. He admits to being a jerk, and apologizes before saying that he did want her to see the TV crew, which is why he brought them by. He wanted to "share a little of [his] success" with her, and is hoping that they can still be "friends." I mean, they already had unsuccessful ex sex once. I think he should just give it up.

Just as Avery says he misses having Scarlett in his life, Gunnar pops out of the bedroom to say hi. When Avery notes that it's a little late to be working, Scarlett shrugs and says, "We're not working." And let's all be clear that any fisticuffs that happen momentarily have been in large part brought on by that remark. Avery of course jumps to the conclusion that Scarlett and Avery are boning, and basically tells Gunnar that both Scarlett and the band are his sloppy seconds. Gunnar calmly points out that Avery is lonely and hates himself, which is a pretty dead-on assessment. He adds that Avery made his choices and has to live with them, so he had better not disrespect Scarlett since he never deserved her in the first place. And then, fisticuffs! Avery hauls off and slugs Gunnar, which is hilarious given that Gunnar is just about twice his size. Gunnar takes him down with a one-two-three punch and shouts that he and Scarlett are just roommates. A bloody Avery heads out, seemingly uncomforted by this news.

Back in Chicago, Juliette is reading mean Tweets in her penthouse and crying. Emily enters to say that, even though her assistant-opinion doesn't count for all that much, she loved Juliette's song and the fact that she was brave enough to sing it. Juliette thanks her, but her frown isn't truly turned upside down until she learns that a video of "Consider Me" has gone viral, and lots of people love it. So, you know, she's totally marching to the beat of her own specifically not glittery drum now and not caring what people think! Quite the artiste!

Oh and then YOU GUYS. In her penthouse, Rayna stops pacing long enough to grab her phone and text Deacon. The text says, "Talk?" along with her room number ("PH1" for those of us who are destined to always be impoverished). She pauses for a moment and taps her fingers against the side of the phone before hitting "send." And, first of all: the gorgeous First Aid Kit song "Emmylou" -- which is all about making us get swoony and nostalgic for real life country loves -- is playing while all this is happening, because this show is shameless in trying to kill us dead. It's perfection. Second: Deacon just said that he's tired of talking. So in this case does "talk" mean "bang"? Or does she really want to talk? I repeat: KILLING US DEAD. Deacon, who is brooding on the bed of his much less resplendent hotel room, gets the text, grabs his room key and is out. We cut back to Rayna, lounging on her couch while fidgeting with her phone. There is a knock on the door. Rayna sort of scurries to it as we all sit home DYING (DEAD! I am writing this from BEYOND THE GRAVE!) and then who is standing there but STUPID TEDDY! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! So now the show is killing us dead in a much different, less pleasantly woozy way, and Rayna is likely wondering why none of the men in her life can send a fucking courtesy text instead of just showing up unannounced.

So, blargh. It turns out that Teddy has had a moment of clarity, and needed to see Rayna. She also had a moment of clarity about how she should be banging Deacon, and needed precisely NOT to see him. But here he is, ruining everything. Deacon gets off of the elevator on the PH floor and stops short when he spies Teddy outside of Rayna's window. As Teddy enters Rayna's suite, all of his sad sackitude floats down the hall and enters into Deacon, just like how the devil got Sister Mary Eunice in American Horror Story.

Speaking of horror stories, Juliette is feeling good again and bossing everyone around. She's ready to revamp her brand entirely, but Glenn tells her that she can't just change who she is on a whim. Juliette points out that she's a shoplifting runaway bride with a MethMom, and everyone knows it. She can't keep playing the role of the good girl ingénue. Glenn says that she was great, but it was one song. He doesn't want to see her fall. But Juliette says that she's growing up, and her audience is growing with her. She suggests that Glenn do the same. I think that's more of an order than a suggestion, actually.

Meanwhile, Scarlett tends to Gunnar's busted lip and they talk about how he learned to fight from his jailbird brother. Unlike everyone else in the episode, they do not kiss. Avery, meanwhile, storms into Marilyn's place and won't even let her check out his bloody face before starting to furiously pack. He says that he's not doing this anymore, and Marilyn's not his damn girlfriend. She tells him not to flatter himself, since this is purely recreational and both of them are using one another to get ahead. Ah, romance is alive. Avery insists on keeping things professional from now on, and tells Marilyn that she can drop him as a client if she wants to. He storms out with his guitar case, which I imagine is full of cat toys like Previous 1 2 3 4 5Next





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