Garage. Nick and Jessica get out of their SUV; Jessica carries a shopping bag. Do you think Jessica has ever entered their house without bringing some consumer product into it? Jessica is singing "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" and she drops her phone trying to get out of the car. Nick laughs. She tells him not to. She's clearly drunk. Nick starts mimicking her singing. She continues, unfazed, and then drops her phone again onto the kitchen floor. It breaks apart. You think Jessica is annoying normally; she must be intolerable drunk. She'd be one of those girls who would have, like, half a Zima at a bar and then would start walking around clutching everybody and close-talking, "Oh my god, y'all. I am so drunk!" with her accent even more pronounced. She'd then tell long stories, getting distracted by shiny objects. Guys would listen to the interminable tales about some shoes or her newest obsession with the idea of learning to play tennis, only because she's so hot. Then eventually she'd stumble outside and borrow cigarettes from people but cough and throw them away after one drag. She'd then steal the one guy her girlfriend liked, make out with him for a while, but then when she realized no one was that interested anymore in their scandal, she'd drop him. The night would end with the friend having to watch Jessica puke, then put her to bed with a warm towel on her forehead and a garbage can by her bed. "Are you mad at me?" would be the last words she'd mumble as she drifted off. And the answer she wouldn't hear would be, "Bitch."
Song. Titles. So weary. So very weary. This I Swear.
Kitchen. Still drunk. Jessica picks up her phone, trying to push the battery back in. From the other room, an also drunk Nick says that he's going to play her a "Christmas Jam" and then yells at her to "Come here!" Nick knows he can only get away with yelling at her when she's drunk. Jessica crouches over her broken phone like it's her dead baby, and does the most annoying Texas sorority mixed with a little Penny Marshall whine: "Nick, I can't even get my thing back iyannnnnnnnn. Nick, it won't come oyannnnnnnn." Chunk-chunk. Blam! (That was the sound of the rifle I'd have to shoot myself with if I were Nick.) To his credit Nick mocks her whine: "I'll fix it in a myanute!" Then he tells her again to listen to this "jam." She says she is listening.
He puts in a CD and plays a crap song made on a Casio with fake sleigh bells. Terrible. Jessica immediately laughs as we hear Nick singing into a terribly unbalanced mic. Nick tells her to ignore the "cheeseball" track; he has some nerve calling the backing music cheeseball while he's singing lyrics about "Ah. Baby. In the falling snow, I'll take a mistletoe. I need you here with me." He's smiling and nodding his head back and forth, loving it. Then Jessica makes a face like someone just farted. He stops the track, and she says, "That's why it didn't make your Christmas album." Ooh, burn. Also, what Christmas album? 98 Degrees'? Nick then says, "That's a fucked-up thing to say. Fuck you." She then drunk-falls down the one stair and stumbles over to him, saying that she simply didn't like the track. He tells her to say it in a way that's "a little less fucking abrasive" next time. He bails as she tells him not to be mad that she didn't like the song. He tells her he's not talking to her. Now they're in a full couple argument as she says she doesn't want to be scared of hurting his feelings and he counters, "When have you ever been scared of hurting my feelings?" Yeah! "Baby, I thought you were being funny?" she whines. Nick, obviously having meant the song in earnest and not to be funny, lies, "I was. But, my God. You don't have to be mean about it." Jessica says that there are "lots of songs" she wrote that he doesn't like. What songs? Name one song you wrote. And the little song about Nick's penis that she sings whenever it doesn't want to come out to play doesn't count. Nick finally tells her to drop it and leaves the room. Crack. Crack. Crack. (That's the fabric of their relationship spider-webbing all over the place.)