Newlyweds
Jessica's "Dessert"

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The Sausage Queen of New York

Jessica asks if she's doing anything Monday; she's not, but her Tuesday is booked. It's her photo shoot. Jessica acts annoyed that she has this commitment, and Pa Simpson gets pissy that she's complaining about the schedule. Then suddenly he's explaining to her that the company's paying for everything from the studio to the photographer, possibly to make her shut her ungrateful mouth. I'm not sure. "He has a missing thumb," Jessica whimpers. "What does that have to do with this?" Pa asks. "I think he's got a good heart," Jessica says, putting on her best "deformity is on the outside, love is on the inside" voice in the hopes of attracting a "The More You Know" spot from NBC. Luckily, the photographer ostensibly still has both of his middle digits, and can engage them accordingly. Pa Simpson can't believe what he's hearing, because if he acts shocked, it means more screen time. "Dad, we're women," Jessica explains. And what? Women have no stomach for physical imperfections? Women are graceless judges of anyone whose digits add up to a number, or fraction thereof, lower than ten? Can she even count to ten? "I have a heart for people who don't have fingers, but I just can't be sexy when..." and here she trails off. Honey, you don't have to imagine him stroking you with his thumbless hand. You just have to space out and pout. That can't be beyond you -- it's what you do in every single scene.

Nick overhears this and deems it mean. "It's not mean!" she insists. "What are you looking at his thumb for?" Nick asks, laughing, blissfully unaware of his wife's thumb-war fetish and her former virginal curiosity about the old adage, "You know what they say about the size of a man's hands…" To her, no thumb probably means no wang. "It's all I can look at," she says, likening it to when someone has a giant zit and it's impossible to look away. If you were raised in a barn, which, with her horsy looks, might be more on point than I realize. "I love him, though," Jessica lies. "I feel awful." Nick shakes his head and asks her what to do about the dry cleaning. "Ohhhhh," Jessica breathes, with no idea what he's talking about. Nick cracks that they can't go to that cleaner any more because he heard a rumor that she only has one toe. Ah, I see. He sets them up…and then he knocks them down for himself, too, because his wife is too lazy and stupid to do any of it. Jessica hunches over, laughing and blushing. Nick smiles. Pay attention, because that's not going to happen again.

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Newlyweds

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