Newlyweds
Jessica's "Dessert"

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Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
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The Sausage Queen of New York

Jessica goes to a hair salon that stayed open just for her. She needs highlights for her photo shoot, and she once again explains the perfume line. "You can lick it," Jessica says. "No! That's HOT!" the hairdresser says. Can't you technically always lick your skin after you've put perfume on? It's not going to taste great, but there's nothing stopping your tongue if that's where it wants to go. Boy, did Nick learn that the hard way. Jessica adds that Dessert has a line of lip glosses and body butters and the like, thereby making it demonstrably not just a perfume line, but whatever -- at least, for once, she's partly correct. Then she whines that she's hungry and starts dropping outrageous hints to Nick about him going to get her some food. Nick's ignoring her, though. He's fascinated by his chair. "My nuts are vibrating!" he gasps. He starts feeling around his pants, as if he's honestly wondering if he left his cell phone in his Hanes, and if not, checking to see if it might fit there for all eternity. He asks if trains pass underneath Madison Ave., and the hairdresser claims they do not; I can't speak to that because I don't live in New York. ["It depends on the cross street, but generally, no, they don't." -- Sars] Regardless, Nick sits back down, thrilled with the nut-buzzing chair. I'm a little surprised Jessica didn't get up and sit on one and demand that her hair be completed while she has a nice little massage with release.

Hotel suite. Nick's working on his laptop while Jessica watches TV. "I love Family Feud," she says. She wants to go on it; she thinks she'd be good. Is she high? That whole show is predicated on guessing the common-sense answer to whatever question they pose. Jessica would be as good at that as she would Jeopardy. "Yeah," Nick lies. You can tell he's thinking, "After the divorce, my clan will KICK YOUR ASS on that show." Nick must not want to watch the game show, because Jessica starts complaining about how they always watch what Nick wants to watch, specifically SportsCenter at 11 PM. "And I never say anything," she insists. That's true on a philosophical level, because what she says is a whole lot of nothing, but empirically it's hard to pretend that she's not constantly flapping that suckhole of a mouth. Even Nick calls her out on this fib, and says that at home of course she doesn't complain because she can just go watch another TV set, as they have eight. Jessica blows one of those tongueless raspberries that end up looking like what horses do when they're exhaling. Which is appropriate, as she's a first-class nag.

Nick calls Drew to see if they're ready to go to dinner. Jessica drearily puts on her coat and then bumps into the door and makes an even more pathetic face. "Owwww," she whines. "I think I just broke my kidney."

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Newlyweds

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