Newlyweds
Jessica's "Dessert"

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The Sausage Queen of New York

At the shoot, Jessica briefly meets the thumbless photographer. No one gets chyrons on this show. It's very confusing. To distract her from Tom Thumb's criminal shortage of digits, there is a little white furry dog wearing a pirate sweater. It's hard for me to look at, because I loathe, loathe, loathe the trend of putting clothes on dogs, and I usually can't tolerate those who do it. To wit: "I want a dog I can dress up," Jessica squeals. Exhibit A. Then, as she's playing with her hair, she apparently loses her wily husband and goes to find him. "I wanted to see where you were," she schmoops. "Do you feel bad now? About the comment?" Nick prompts her paternally. Jessica is blank for a second -- well, blank-er -- and then nods robotically and says, "Yeah, I feel bad." Nick stares at her. "He is a nice man," Jessica says unconvincingly. Nick rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

Jessica coos over the packaging of her product. Clearly she's not actually involved in this, or she'd have seen and approved it already. This company is smart: Keep her away from anything that requires business sense. Or, you know, sense. They squirt the body mousse onto her hand and she gushes, "Oh, so it moisturizes?" She's fascinated. She's so frosting Nick's next birthday cake with this shit. Jessica blithely -- and, mercifully, rhetorically -- asks why it is that products are so much fun. Then she makes a crack about the pregnancy rumors. A stylist eagerly tells her that Dessert tracked down who started the rumor and canned her ass.

Jessica is ready for the shoot. She's wearing a white satiny corset-style top and low-rise jeans, with her hair in loose curls that wave around her face. Tom Thumb tells her to be innocent and sensuous, holding a cupcake and licking the frosting off her finger. Is this guy a real photographer? I feel like this pose is the first assignment in Remedial Fashion Photography at the Long Island Upstairs College of VCR Repair. Jessica sucks on her finger, wipes it through layer after layer of hot pink frosting, and pouts at the camera. Tom Thumb's missing digit is really more of a stump. He's got half a thumb. He probably lost the other half in a tragic soldering accident during the Flashdance class at his aforementioned alma mater. Suddenly, Tom Thumb isn't happy. He frowns. He needs to change the cupcake. The one they're using really just isn't the best one. What, it's not talented enough? Backstage, Brad giggles to Nick that they want to have a contest to see who can eat the most Dessert before throwing up. "I'm going to be on a sugar high!" Jessica preens, wiping her finger through another cupcake's frosting. Then something drops to the floor with a thud. She jumps ten feet. "What was that?" she gasps. Everyone there cracks up, which indicates that they're all already high on something else.

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Newlyweds

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