Jessica's "Dessert"

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
The Sausage Queen of New York

Hotel suite. Nick's dressed in a Miller Lite shirt, because that's all he can afford these days on his earnings. Jessica whines that she can't find a bottle opener. "What are you doing?" Nick asks, apparently allergic to the obvious. Jessica says something about wanting to open her soda because she already took it out, ostensibly from the mini-bar, "and we already paid for it." Unless she took it out of the bar before the maid came in and tallied their stock, that's not really possible…oh, forget it. ["In Jessica's defense -- I know! I'm sorry -- some of the mini-bars now are computerized so they can tell what you've taken out, and they just charge your room automatically. Not that she would even know that, though." -- Sars] As Nick fumbles for an opener, Jessica asks about getting hamburgers for lunch. He says he's going to get food like that at ESPN Zone. "Excuuuuse me," she snots. Nick shrugs that she's welcome to come, inside rejoicing that she would clearly rather take the SAT than slum it in a sports establishment. It's a brilliant way to get rid of her, I must say. "I'm not trying to exclude you," Nick lies. Jessica sniffs that she would much rather go shopping with her mother. That must be when she feels smart. Nick uses a knife to pry up the bottle cap. "You're going to have two sips of this," he sighs. "I'm going through all of this and you'll have two sips and that'll be it." Leaning it against a table, he slams his hand on the cap and the bottle opens. "Ahhhh, thanks, baby," Jessica says, eyes wide, like he's MacGyver. Nick asks if it was worth all that trouble. Dude, that took half a minute. Get over yourself. "It tastes like Pine Sol," she brats.

Nick is at ESPN Zone watching football, and Jessica went to Fred's for some rich-looking pizza. Her stomach sure seems fine to me. Jessica proclaims her sausage pizza better than anything those culinary wizards at Domino's could possibly produce. She's also wearing a houndstooth newsboy cap that matches the dreadful outfit Shandi always wears in her interviews. Who authorized houndstooth? That somehow came back without my permission, and it frightens me. Ma Simpson talks about hamburger pizza and Jessica is just shocked, shocked, to hear she's eaten that before. "Hamburger on pizza?" she gapes. Visions of quarter-pounders sitting on pizza slices dance in her head. Jessica always thought the hamburger pizza she was eating was actually sausage pizza. "Sausage is pig," she says, apropos of nothing. "Can't sausage sometimes be cow?" Ma Simpson decides that beef sausages do exist, yes. What follows is a very high-tech conversation where Ma explains to Jessica that pork waste is turned into pork wieners, and cow waste becomes beef wieners. "But there is beef sausage?" Jessica asks, confused by the introduction of wieners into this conversation. I'm surprised she doesn't get befuddled that they're both synonyms for "penis," yet they're not themselves the same thing.

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