La Brea or Beverly Blvd. or wherever these stores are. MamaSimpson decides that they should put some outfits together. Montage of shopping. Seriously. Ten shots of someone saying "These are great" and "I like 'em" and then "How much are these?" MamaSimpson makes sure tht Jessica gets a celebrity discount, and then they head to the next spot. It's a toss-up as to which I hate more: watching people shopping on TV, or actually shopping. I'll have to think on that.
House. Nick and his brother get the first videogame strapped onto the lifty thing and up over the railing. Nick and his boys lift it off and down onto the balcony. Nick says, "Hey, I can always drive a forklift," being surprisingly cheery about the end of his short singing career. A song plays as the Montage Of Videogame Lifting continues. They lift up the second game. Set up the Golden Tee 2004. Ah, another toss-up. Which I hate more: playing golf, or playing golf videogames. (No, actually, after a few beers, it's a fun videogame. But what turns me off about the game is the four drunk frat boys who always seem to be crowded around the thing no matter what bar you go to, slapping the shit out of the track ball and yelling at each other. Those guys I can do without. You'll never see them huddled around Missile Command.) The videogame guy gets the machine hooked up, and Nick thanks them all, saying that this may be the catalyst for his divorce. Nick is very pleased. Later, Nick is putting the sliding door back on when a murder of crows flies by. They really are sort of freaky -- we have them around here. "What is up with these fucking crows?" Nick asks.
As "Whimsical Orchestral Music" (thanks, Closed Captioning) plays, Jessica takes five minutes trying to drive her Mercedes into the garage, almost ripping the mirror off. Nick helps Jessica bring in the bags. He asks if she saw any crows outside. Jessica asks what the "big orange thing" is out there. He says it's a forklift, and lies that it wasn't hard to use.
Goddamn, their house is amazing. Ugly and pre-fab, but amazing at the same time.
In the laundry room, Jessica shows Nick their new "amazing" sheets. He asks why they're so amazing. She says they're Egyptian thread and they're from Dallas. He asks how much they were, and she smiles. Finally she cocks her head and gives her answer: "Fourteen hundred dollars." Nick responds, "Jessica Simpson!" Goddamn. I think mine were, like, twenty bucks at Macy's. She says that you sleep on them every night, and he responds that he sleeps fine on the ones they use now. She claims, "I don't sleep good." Nick says, "Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets." Okay, that's pretty funny. Jessica gets to washing the sheets, but can't figure out how to use the machine. She finds a stray sock in the wash, and instead of bothering to figure out whom it belongs to, she just drops it behind the machine. There. That says everything about her right there. Nick comes back, saying that even the washing machine thinks $1,400 sheets are ridiculous, it refuses to wash them. Nick figures out the machine and leaves. Jessica puts the detergent in, but then reads that she was supposed to put it in the little detergent ball instead of directly in the wash. "Oh no," she says. "Nick!" This I Swear. Commercials.