The Newlyweds Shop

Episode Report Card
Stee: C+ | Grade It Now!
I'll Have The Coffee

Photo shoot. Jessica kneels in a pool of water as people stand around her fixing her hair and makeup. CreepyPhotog keeps saying, "Beautiful," over and over. Lying.

Town car. Jessica rides with her head in Nick's lap. (No, not like that. That only happens on his birthdays and occasionally when she's had too much Peppermint Schnapps.) She says she's so tired that she's going to go straight to bed when she gets home, as soon as she cleans the "foot jam" off her from everyone standing around barefoot in the pool of water all night. Nick says, "Footjam?," dutifully noting every verbal mistake Jessica makes as the MTV Marketing Department test-markets "footjam" beach towels and playing cards, but in the end everyone decides they in fact do not have another Chicken of the Sea on their hands and they put it to bed. Jessica has even realized that particularly ship has long ago sailed when she responds to Nick's, "Isn't it 'toe jam'?" with a weary "Whatever."

Credits. Theme. Bad singing. Ass-grabing. Calabasas house they can't afford. This I Swear.

House. Day. Crow noises. Nick complains that there is a crow "washing his ass" in their Jacuzzi. Well, maybe if you kept it covered, no crows could get in there. Except for the real smart mutated robot crows, but with them you have a lot more to worry about than just your Jacuzzi's being assed. Nick stuns us all by using the word "migratory." And Jessica isn't even in the scene to make him seem all the more smart by comparison. Who knew?

MamaSimpson and Jessica go on a shopping spree. The Boys With Avids decide to keep cutting away to shots of the boutique's shop dog, because there's nothing that screams, "It's 4:30 AM in Sherman Oaks and we've been locked up here in this windowless room for fourteen straight hours eating nothing but Diet Peach Snapple and Combos, and this is not what I came out to L.A. to do. I'm supposed to be directing indie films and playing Marco Polo in the snow with Mark Ruffalo and Mena Suvari at Sundance right now, not locked in a room trying to make yet another fucking shot of Jessica shopping seen even remotely interesting" like multiple dog cutaways. MamaSimpson wears a scarf, meaning that every single woman in L.A. is wearing a scarf right now. Every single one. That's an amazing feat. Jessica looks at a label called, "T-Bag." She tells her mom that that's something sexual. MamaSimpson reacts with dull shock when Jessica goes on that it's "when you suck on the balls." But from her reaction, we learn that Jessica and her mom talk this way all the time, which skeeves me out. They trade "suck on balls"es until MamaSimpson hides her face in a piece of clothing and says, "Jessica, that's really weird," which I'm not sure is in response to the label name or the act. Jessica says that maybe she's wrong, but MamaSimpson is sure she's right. ["I'd been informed by knowledgeable people -- and a recent episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent -- that 'teabagging' is when one rests one's balls on someone else's head (when the teabaggee is sitting down), and not when one sucks on someone else's balls." -- Wing Chun] "I didn't know it had a name," says MamaSimpson. Hee. And also, ew, because the notion of Creepy Pa Simpson squatting over MamaSimpson in some Alabama shack back in '83.... Sorry.

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