Newlyweds
The Newlyweds Shop

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I'll Have The Coffee

As "Whimsical Orchestral Music" (thanks, Closed Captioning) plays, Jessica takes five minutes trying to drive her Mercedes into the garage, almost ripping the mirror off. Nick helps Jessica bring in the bags. He asks if she saw any crows outside. Jessica asks what the "big orange thing" is out there. He says it's a forklift, and lies that it wasn't hard to use.

Goddamn, their house is amazing. Ugly and pre-fab, but amazing at the same time.

In the laundry room, Jessica shows Nick their new "amazing" sheets. He asks why they're so amazing. She says they're Egyptian thread and they're from Dallas. He asks how much they were, and she smiles. Finally she cocks her head and gives her answer: "Fourteen hundred dollars." Nick responds, "Jessica Simpson!" Goddamn. I think mine were, like, twenty bucks at Macy's. She says that you sleep on them every night, and he responds that he sleeps fine on the ones they use now. She claims, "I don't sleep good." Nick says, "Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets." Okay, that's pretty funny. Jessica gets to washing the sheets, but can't figure out how to use the machine. She finds a stray sock in the wash, and instead of bothering to figure out whom it belongs to, she just drops it behind the machine. There. That says everything about her right there. Nick comes back, saying that even the washing machine thinks $1,400 sheets are ridiculous, it refuses to wash them. Nick figures out the machine and leaves. Jessica puts the detergent in, but then reads that she was supposed to put it in the little detergent ball instead of directly in the wash. "Oh no," she says. "Nick!" This I Swear. Commercials.

I just realized who Nick and Jessica are: George Burns and Gracie, but without the talent or charisma. Goodnight, Gracie.

House. Night. Game room. Jessica has absolutely no reaction when Nick proudly displays his new videogames. It's so nice of her, as his wife, to take interest in what he does. What a nice lady. Nick shows her Carnival Shooter, the game he claims to have bought for her. They discuss a dying plant that he refuses to get rid of. Nick says the game is warming up, and Jessica snidely says, "I can't wait." She sits on the pool table as Nick goes first, shooting ducks and balloons and shit. Nick couldn't be happier, and Jessica could be bitchier. "Is this what you've been doing all day?" she asks. Hee. The end is nigh. Jessica watches the carnival carnage, horrified and bored. Then it's her turn, and she plays in the manner you would expect from her. She whines and complains. Nick beats her; her Accuracy is 9%. Nick takes the gun and she says, "We're playing again?" She says that she's hungry and then says, "Can we turn it off?" They do. Nick asks if she had fun. "Oh, Lord," she responds. I know it's just a videogame, but does she really have to be such a buzzkill? I wonder if she gets that from MamaSimpson. Maybe when Creepy Pa Simpson brings home a man he's picked up at a bar, she barely even feigns interest. Jessica says that she wants to watch a DVD tonight.

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Newlyweds

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