Newlyweds
The Newlyweds Vacation

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Night. Gas station. Jessica and Cute Assistant. Jessica talks on her cell phone right in front of the pump. If there's any truth to the rumor that talking on a cell phone at a gas station can cause you to catch on fire, please let it be proven true right here. Sadly, Jessica does not combust, and she and Cute Assistant both stand around, confused. Finally, Cute Assistant finds the nozzle. Jessica says that she doesn't have cash, calling the assistant "Casey." When Mighty Casey got this job, she struck out. Casey tells her to put "it" in "there," referring to the ATM slot and Jessica's credit card. It may just be hanging out with Jessica so much rubbing off on her, but Casey doesn't seem to be no Einstein herself. Jessica thinks you have to use an ATM card. She thinks it's "weird" and then asks, "Who has an ATM card?" Um, people who exist in the regular world where they have to pay for their own things. Casey makes faces as Jessica tries to put her Vons Club card or something in the machine. Wait, who am I kidding? As if Jessica ever goes shopping. Jessica pumps gas, bratting that she hates doing this, because she thinks everyone is staring at her, thinking she's doing it wrong. Isn't that the whole purpose of this TV show? To watch Jessica do things the exact opposite way normal people are supposed to do them, and then laugh at her for it? "Come out, gas," she says. After pumping the gas, Jessica then says that she heard you're supposed to give it one more click "to see if there's anything else in there." I'm sure Nick was the one who told her that. And I'm sure he wasn't referring to gas. The beeping continues as neither of them can find where the receipt comes out. They quickly leave, embarrassed. Uh, maybe they oughta hire Jessica an assistant smarter than her, instead of the other way around.

Credits. Song. Graphics. Any day now Nick's voice will be replaced by Jessica's on the opening track.

House. Day. Jessica and Casey talk as Nick bumbles around the kitchen. Jessica tells Casey that they're going skiing on Monday and she has no ski clothes. Casey waits to be invited, but it never happens. That's fucked up. Even the Bradys took Alice to Hawaii with them -- even if she did have to cook all their meals. Casey says she hates skiing. "Ugh," she says. She goes on to try to talk about how she cries every time, but Jessica, putting on makeup, still manages to interrupt, saying that she too, cries. Casey starts to go on with her story. "Because --" she says, and then Jessica interrupts again, saying that you sweat in all the clothes but then you get out there and it's "butt cold." Casey tries to add something about how the clothes aren't fashion-conscious, but Jessica interrupts that she and DrewWife will probably just sit around in the hot tub, and Casey keeps trying to talk but gives up. Jessica says she took lessons when she was five, and Casey says, "I've never taken lessons, that's the problem --" and Jessica immediately interrupts, now moving on to her eye makeup, saying, "I lived in Colorado, so --" And then Casey tries interrupting, although doing it by commenting on Jessica, calling Jessica, bizarrely, "Miss Billy Bad-ass." Jessica then says that she hates moguls. "Or mobiles. Whatever they're called." The members of the MTV Marketing Department all lift their heads up interestedly, like a cat hearing a bird chirp outside, but quickly realize there's nothing in that and put their heads back down, wondering what's become of their lives. When Nick answers the phone, Jessica leans in and whispers to Casey, "Nick's horrible." "At skiing?" asks Casey. "No, in bed," says Jessica. No, not really. She says, "Oh my God," meaning, he sucks at skiing.

Casa Vega. Good Mexican joint in the valley. Casey, Jessica, and Nick all eat tortilla chips as Nick talks about a jacket Drew is getting that has a pocket for an iPod and iPod controls built into the sleeve of the jacket. Oh my God, how fucking lazy do you have to be to not be able to reach into your pocket to turn up the volume on your Evanescence? Jessica bitches that Nick is not going to be listening to an iPod, he's going to be tumbling on his ass over and over. Ha. Nick says that he has a newfound sense of clarity (the marriage is off?) and this is the trip when skiing is all going to make sense to him. (Oh.) Jessica gives Casey a quick disbelieving look. Ha.

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Newlyweds

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