Newlyweds
The Newlyweds Vacation

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Morning. Packing. Loading the car. They drive to Drew's house. It's a nice house, but nothing like Nick's. It does have a gate, though! Hey, that's something. Poor Drew, he should have married a pointless stupid singer. Then he could have a screening room, too. They load up the Escalade as the girls babble about not having brought many clothes and then DrewWife laughs that she can't ski, and Jessica says she can't snowboard. "You also can't sing, cook, or do math," DrewWife continues in her head.

Airport. Private plane. Holy shit. It almost makes me want a reality show of my own, knowing that MTV pays for all this crap. DrewWife says she doesn't like to fly as Jessica marvels at how powerful the plane is and how it doesn't need much of a runway to take off.

Mammoth. Beautiful snowy mountains. They step off the plane. The girls immediately get on their cell phones as they get right into their rented SUV waiting for them on the tarmac. Jessica complains that it's as cold as a "mother bear." What a shocker, Jessica. It's cold up in the snow! I don't know why MTV keeps arranging to make everything easy for Jessica. Can you imagine all the awesome whining and complaining we'd get if Jessica had to carry her own bags or drive her own car somewhere or snowshoe across Mammoth to get to her hotel? You're missing out, MTV.

Driving. The girls decide they're going to try snowboarding. Jessica then attempts to talk Nick out of skiing. She doesn't want him to get "frustrated," she says. She goes on that she thinks it may be "dangerous" for him. What does it matter? It's not like he has a career that would be affected by an injury. "Oh no. Nick Lachey broke his leg! His imaginary world tour is going to be cancelled." Commercials.

Condo. Jessica tries on a red ski cap. She says it looks like a mushroom head. I'm sure she's made that observation about something before. Then she says she's "funny about hats," and tries on a tight pink ski cap. She makes ugly helpless faces and says, "Oh my gaw!" Drew smiles a weird smile. DrewWife asks if it's tight and Jessica says, "What do you think?" making the strangest face I've ever seen. It's like Mummenschanz. She kinda looks like Ahnold in Total Recall when his face mask breaks and the atmosphere of Mars starts warping his face. "Oh my gaw!" says Jessica. "Oh your what?" asks Nick. DrewWife says that it's her new thing -- she's not saying "God" anymore. Nick shakes his head. Drew continues his goofy, pleading smile.

Skiing montage. People ski. Snowboard. The gang takes their equipment out of the SUV. The girls refuse to get out of the car, explaining that it's cold. They finally get out, and whine some more. Jessica whines about her feet hurting. DrewWife whines about not being able to put on her gloves. Drew and Nick are either much better men than I am to be able to take this, or much more whipped. Jessica put on her goggles, flutters her lips, says she feels like she's going scuba diving, says the goggles hurt, says she can't get her hair over them, and then finishes with, "I feel completely incompetent." Wow. That was like nine whines in a row without taking a breath. Nine! That has to be about a 6.3 degree of difficulty, and she nailed it. Well done, Simpson. Well done. Jessica throws in a few last-minute mini-whines for good measure, but she already stuck her landing so now she's just showing off. They meet their Aussie instructor who gives them a quick lesson; then they get on the chair lift. Jessica says "gaw" and then helpfully points out once again that it indeed is cold.

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Newlyweds

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