The Newlyweds Vacation

Episode Report Card
Stee: C+ | Grade It Now!

DrewWife slides down the mountain sideways on her board. Aussie gets saucy, grabbing Jessica's hips, trying to lead her down. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. The boys are not bad. Nick says, "Good job, baby!" to Jessica, and she immediately falls flat on her face. "Don't talk to me," she says. "You threw me off." Jessica threw off Nick's singing career, but he doesn't complain. Actually, I think the fact that Nick makes shitty music threw off his singing career. "Ugh, I can't go! I can't even move," whines Jessica. "My ass is numb," she says. She and DrewWife head back inside as the boys continue to board. Jessica complains about her fingers and then DrewWife says, "I think I may be miserable." I assume she's talking about having to hang out with Jessica. Now seriously, I don't care if you're a "girl" or from the "South" or you "suck" or any other excuse you may use -- who has the right to agree to do an event, to go on a supposedly "fun" outing with others, and then just fucking bitch and complain about it the whole time? The answer: no one. You don't have that right. So whiner/complainers out there, if you're going bowling or swimming or to a movie or out to dinner and it's sucking and you hate it, try to fucking enjoy it anyway. If that doesn't work and you still have a miserable time, keep your mouth shut. Enjoy the pleasure of being with your friends, and shut your gaw-damned mouth. And if that doesn't work: leave! Don't run off and guilt your friends into chasing you either to make sure you're okay. Just say, "You guys have fun, I'll watch you from over here. I'm totally okay, I'll see you when you're done," and leave. Go inside. Go hang out in the lobby or have a drink at the bar or wait in the car and listen to the radio. But leave. Stop ruining the world for the world. Thank you.

Meanwhile, inside, Jessica and Leah bitch about falling, and Jessica whines about everything hurting. Then suddenly a group of children all leashed together by their hands come around the corner. Instantly, the girls' insides start fluttering and they start cooing at the children. Then the funniest thing I've ever seen happens on camera: one of the tied-up children, a little boy, falls. But like a dog sled unit or the chain gang trying to escape in Cold Mountain, the group keeps going. So the kid falls, then gets pulled, then rolls over onto his back and lays still. He's all bundled up and he just gives up. The other kids were so mesmerized by Jessica and the cameras that they just kept going. Hee. So fucking great. I love watching children fall down. Leah tells the boy, "You're okay!" as Jessica just admires some little girls' boots. Ha. Jessica then says that the kids are going to do better than they did. Yes, in life. The boys come meet them, and Jessica says they only want to go down one more time. I'm sure Jessica rarely likes to go down.

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