The Newlyweds Vacation

Episode Report Card
Stee: C+ | Grade It Now!

Jessica joins the others and tells them what happened, all making fun of Nick. Like a good wife, she says, without sympathy, that he threw the pole and it hit him in the head. Well, it was kinda funny. She's all pissed, rather than feeling bad for him. They laugh and go on to ski some more. Meanwhile, Nick arrives at the condo, only to remember he doesn't have a key. Ha. Hee. Ha.

Nick calls Jessica. Jessica, on the lift, hears her phone ringing, but she chooses to ignore it. Skiing. Skiing. Nick waiting. Jessica skiing. Nick waiting. Jessica skiing. They come back to the condo. Drew lies that they were just coming to get him. "How'd it go?" asks Nick. Jessica says, "Fine." Then she stops and looks at him. "Didn't fall once." She pauses the perfect moment, then walks on. Goddamn. The girl either has really great comic timing occasionally, or she's just such a bitch that making Nick feel bad comes naturally to her.

Condo. Nick stands in front of Jessica, trying to explain that this is a bad place to learn and there's nothing to do but crash. "And that sucks," he says. Jessica says, "I know. But you could have handled it better." What? What!? Jessica is bitching because Nick didn't handle something with confidence and élan? Jessica can crawl on her hands and knees in a hallway sick and eat lunch on the bathroom floor and whine about everything and cry when her hair guy is stuck in Vegas, but Nick can't throw a tantrum and leave when he falls down while skiing? You got to divorce her, man. Well, actually, just wait to see if her next album does well, then divorce her. It's California, baby. You'll get half. Then you and Drew can live happily ever after together. Nick gets down on his hands and knees in front of the cold and mad Jessica and makes a sad face, and Jessica remains totally unmoved and just makes a tiny sound and Nick buries his face in her chest and she sorta limply puts her arm around him but just stares straight ahead, hating her husband for being a baby. She can't take men being anything but men. The only way she knows how to conduct herself is where she gets to be the baby and the man in her life (Daddy, Nick) tells her what do to. It's how she learned. And any deviation from that freaks her out. She goes cold. It turns her off. That's what you married, Nick. Congratulations.

Night. Condo. Nick reads my recap as Jessica tries to cook chicken breasts that are too thick. DrewWife suggests she get a mallet and pound it. "I've never pounded it," says Jessica. "Heh heh," says Stee. Jessica washes the chicken, narrating every part of the process. She starts cutting the chicken down to make it smaller, then drops it into the sink. Drew takes over. Nick says he had a dream last night that he coughed and a spider crawled out of his mouth. "Gaw!" says Jessica. They all ask her to stop.

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