Newlyweds
Valentine's Day

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Hustler Hollywood. Larry Flynt's porn store on the Sunset Strip. Jessica and cute assistant Casey go shopping for Valentine's Day. That's the shitty life of an assistant -- having to go shop for dildos and nipple clamps with your boss. But then again, I'm sure some Hollywood assistants have to go shopping for worse. (Can you imagine being Robert Downey Jr.'s assistant? "But y'all, he's totally clean," you say? Yeah, and Courtney Love is a good mother.) Jessica "ew"s over products, saying that some of this stuff is scary. (She's just talking about the books; words are hard.) Casey wants her to buy a maid's outfit. Jessica's like, "Bitch. You should be wearing that. Now go buy me a latte." Casey then says that she should buy Nick an "Inflatable Wife." Jessica reads the label on the joke product. "Totally silent. Wastes no time. Spends no money. Toilet seat is always up." Then Jessica says, "Or down, in his --" Then Casey corrects her, but Jessica says, "No. For him, it's always down." Then Jessica stops herself, and Casey mutters, "I hope it's not." But then something weird passes between them and it becomes clear: Nick is a sit-down pee-er! And Jessica outed him and then caught herself after it was too late and tried to play it off. But the scene ends with Casey and Jessica just laughing, trying to avoid the cameras, and it's totally true. Nick sits to pee. He stoops to conquer. He squats with the puppies. He's Lord Sitdown of Urinetown. Okay, I can't think of any more. What a weenie. Pee-sitter.

Theme song. Credits. For the last time. This I swear.

Shots of L.A. Shots of L.A. Jessica drives. Casey and Jessica head into Williams-Sonoma as Jessica voice-overs that today is Valentine's Day and she has lots of surprises for Nick; she hired a professional chef and she's going to spend the day cooking a meal with him. Jessica buys an apron. She picks out some cookies and says Nick will like these. Why? Can he sit to pee on them? Jessica picks out heart plates. Then she holds up napkin rings, and Casey is clearly tired of this already because she just half looks up and says, "Cute," and then looks back down, all sarcastic and snotty. Bitch be gettin' uppity! I'd be like, "What was that snotty tone, biz-nitch? You're my assistant, not my friend, and don't you forget it. Best apologize or I'll fire your ass and you'll be back to doing extra work on Hack so fast your frizzy head will spin." Seriously. Can't be letting your assistant back-sass you, or pretty soon they'll be David Spading all over your ass.

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Newlyweds

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