They finish eating, and Jessica gives him his gift. It's a thin Gucci box, and she stops him before he opens it to say that it's just because she loves him and he deserves it. Wow. What a speech. He opens it, and it's a membership to a country club. Really? A country club would take him? He's very happy. He gets up and kisses her. She laughs in his face. Nick tells her to close her eyes and brings down a huge bouquet and puts it in front of her. She loves it. It's cold. He says he kept it in his "Miller Lite fridge upstairs." He has a fridge just for Miller Lite? Man. Someone let the trash in Calabasas. Then she gets stuck on the card, saying, "I can't read your handwriting." Ha. Right. Can't read, period. Nick takes the card and reads it to her: "Jess. You represent everything that's good in my life." She represents the good things? She's a metaphor for the good things? And also, what good things are happening in his life? His Miller Lite fridge? He continues: "So many of our dreams are coming true now…" Okay, and I officially give up now. I can't listen to the rest of his bad card. Jessica loves it, and tears up. But then when he's done, she immediately starts opening her gift. It's jewelry of some sort. Of course. "Come here and sit on Daddy's lap," he says. Ew. Ew. Ew. At least she tells him to shut up. They kiss. He asks if it's time to go upstairs to bed yet. She says not yet. He then sings a falsetto version of "What'll I Do." I know what I'll do. Vomit.
Then Jessica says she's tired. "I worked hard today," she says, as she goes upstairs and disappears. "Jess!" Nick calls up to her. "Ah, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica," he says, realizing that after all that shit, he's still not getting laid. Ha.
After. Day. Jessica tries to get into the Ferrari but can't open it. Then over a montage of shots from the season, a voice tells us that the season is over and Newlyweds will be back in June for an all new season. And that's it. See ya!