Oh, I see. For this Very Special Season Finale, they made the episode five minutes longer than usual. Thanks, Sorkin. Five extra minutes with you feels like a lifetime.
Fast-forwarding through this terrible theme song one last time. I bet Sorkin fantasized about how it would sound when the Emmy orchestra played it over and over again as the show racked up awards for being so awesome.
Will greets the audience on Monday, August 8, 2011. He says that the S&P downgrade of America's credit rating will not be the top story. Nor will the stock market's latest plummet, nor the riots in Europe (this is America -- we don't care about news in other countries anyway), nor anything any politicians said lately. Instead, the top story is... Dorothy Cooper!
I know you're all dying to know who this Dorothy Cooper is, but you'll have to wait. Because it's now "eight days earlier" and MacKenzie (wearing yet another clownshirt), Terry Crews and the doorman of Will's building enter his apartment looking for him. We never find out why they decided to break into Will's place tonight, but it might have something to do with what Terry Crews sees on Will's coffee table: a copy of the latest New York magazine. Cover story: "The Great Fool: The Arrogance and Failure of Will McAvoy." HA HA HA HA!!! Brian wrote the best article ever! Remember how Will was convinced that Brian wouldn't dare to say anything negative about him because of MacKenzie? He was wrong! He was wrong about everything! If they just ended the episode right now, I would pronounce this the greatest show ever. But they didn't. Instead, Terry Crews points to a spot of blood on the magazine cover and then realizes there's a trail of it leading to Will's bathroom. And that's where they find him: unconscious on the floor next to toilet with blood down the front of his shirt. MacKenzie makes some weird noises while Terry Crews does something useful and checks to see if Will has a pulse while calling 911.
At the hospital, Charlie is clearly upset because he didn't even put his bowtie on before joining MacKenzie and Terry Crews. A doctor comes out and informs them that Will was vomiting blood, probably from a perforation. MacKenzie has no idea what any of this means, so Charlie translates: Will had a bleeding ulcer. Hey, I had one of those! Actually, just an ulcer. I don't think it ever got to the bleeding point since -- despite being a stupid silly woman -- I noticed that my stomach really hurt and I was throwing up a lot for seemingly no reason and went to a doctor before things got worse.