It turns out that picking your EP's ex-boyfriend to profile you for New York magazine leads to a cover story called "The Greater Fool." Ha ha ha! Brian is my favorite character on this show now. Will does not take the hit piece well because he is a giant insecure oversensitive baby, so he overdoses on a combination of Effexor, bourbon and painkillers to wind up barfing blood and half-dead on his bathroom floor, where he is discovered by Terry Crews, MacKenzie and his doorman. When he wakes up two days later, MacKenzie is waiting to yell at him. He says he's not going back to NewsNight. But we all know he will because we've already seen clips of his triumphant return broadcast. Suspense = killed. What finally convinces Will to go back to the only thing he's not good at? His mean nurse's old great aunt isn't allowed to vote in the next election because of new voter fraud rules, and her story Must Be Told.
Meanwhile, Evil Gossip Lady Nina tells MacKenzie that she knows Will was high during the Bin Laden broadcast and just needs to find a second source to confirm it before she'll be forced to tell the world in TMI. When Will mentions that he left MacKenzie a voicemail that night that she never talked to him about, Charlie realizes that MacKenzie never heard the voicemail because TMI's crack phone-hacking team got to it first, listened to it and then deleted it. And since Will mentioned in the message that he was high, that's how TMI knew what happened – not because, say, Neal's girlfriend told them. Oh, and speaking of Neal? His grand plan to try to out the troll responsible for the death threat leads to 100 more death threats. Nice going, idiot. On the plus side, I think that means we'll get more Terry Crews next season!
It's a good thing Charlie figured out that crucial phone-hacking clue, because Solomon Hancock ends up giving him absolutely nothing on it and then, when Charlie tells him they can't use him as a source for the NSA stuff because he kind of seems like a crazy person, Hancock jumps off a bridge. But he still serves his purpose, as Charlie, MacKenzie and Will (now out of the hospital, back at work and making crude comments to Leona about how she should pose for Playboy) meet with Leona and Reese to try to trick Reese into admitting that he ordered Will's phone hacked. Because Reese is a moron, he does. Leona has no choice but to keep Will at ACN and let him go anti-Tea-Party crazy or else her son might go to jail. She also has to shut down TMI, so there goes your job, Nina!
And in the romantic subplot almost no one likes, Don decides to ask Maggie to move in with him. He tells Dr. Dr. Sloan about this when she tells him she's going to quit ACN because she's sad that she hasn't informed anyone in America about the debt ceiling despite yammering on about it for months. Believing that she's three days away from leaving ACN forever, Dr. Dr. Sloan admits that she has feelings for Don. For some reason, Don still asks Maggie to move in with him when he should have dumped her for Dr. Dr. Sloan. Before that happens, he cancels dinner with Maggie and Lisa, leaving poor Lisa alone with Maggie, who tells her that Jim wanted to see her that night and not Lisa. Lisa is disgusted and leaves the restaurant. Maggie tries to follow her, only to get drenched when a Sex and the City tour bus splashes her. I don't know why people are on a Sex and the City tour at like nine at night, but there you go. Maggie then proceeds to scream at the tour bus and all of its passengers about how awful it is to be single in New York City and have feelings for your roommate's boyfriend, only for Jim to suddenly pop up on the tour bus, having heard everything. He and Maggie kiss, then remember that they're both with other people. Maggie leaves to dump Don, and that's when he asks her to move in with him. The easily-distracted Maggie sees all the candles and roses and says yes. Jim tries to call her. When she doesn't answer, he figures that she decided to stick with Don and makes nice with poor Lisa. Also, Dr. Dr. Sloan decides not to leave ACN, so now she's stuck working with Don. Awkward!
Finally, after everyone soothes his ego by telling him not to worry about that magazine article, Will does another one of his signature anti-Tea Party lecture-broadcasts, touching on the mean nurse's great aunt, the founding fathers, Michele Bachmann and Jesus. When he's done, he sees a woman waiting to interview for an internship (at nine at night? I guess she can still catch the Sex and the City tour when she's done … ) and realizes it's the "sorority girl" who asked him that stupid question in the first episode. He hires her. The circle, it is full.
Oh, I see. For this Very Special Season Finale, they made the episode five minutes longer than usual. Thanks, Sorkin. Five extra minutes with you feels like a lifetime.
Fast-forwarding through this terrible theme song one last time. I bet Sorkin fantasized about how it would sound when the Emmy orchestra played it over and over again as the show racked up awards for being so awesome.
Will greets the audience on Monday, August 8, 2011. He says that the S&P downgrade of America's credit rating will not be the top story. Nor will the stock market's latest plummet, nor the riots in Europe (this is America -- we don't care about news in other countries anyway), nor anything any politicians said lately. Instead, the top story is... Dorothy Cooper!
I know you're all dying to know who this Dorothy Cooper is, but you'll have to wait. Because it's now "eight days earlier" and MacKenzie (wearing yet another clownshirt), Terry Crews and the doorman of Will's building enter his apartment looking for him. We never find out why they decided to break into Will's place tonight, but it might have something to do with what Terry Crews sees on Will's coffee table: a copy of the latest New York magazine. Cover story: "The Great Fool: The Arrogance and Failure of Will McAvoy." HA HA HA HA!!! Brian wrote the best article ever! Remember how Will was convinced that Brian wouldn't dare to say anything negative about him because of MacKenzie? He was wrong! He was wrong about everything! If they just ended the episode right now, I would pronounce this the greatest show ever. But they didn't. Instead, Terry Crews points to a spot of blood on the magazine cover and then realizes there's a trail of it leading to Will's bathroom. And that's where they find him: unconscious on the floor next to toilet with blood down the front of his shirt. MacKenzie makes some weird noises while Terry Crews does something useful and checks to see if Will has a pulse while calling 911.
At the hospital, Charlie is clearly upset because he didn't even put his bowtie on before joining MacKenzie and Terry Crews. A doctor comes out and informs them that Will was vomiting blood, probably from a perforation. MacKenzie has no idea what any of this means, so Charlie translates: Will had a bleeding ulcer. Hey, I had one of those! Actually, just an ulcer. I don't think it ever got to the bleeding point since -- despite being a stupid silly woman -- I noticed that my stomach really hurt and I was throwing up a lot for seemingly no reason and went to a doctor before things got worse.