Kenny Rogers: I went into this, in depth, with People, years ago. Have you been living under a rock?
Recapper: La la la. Can't hear you. Can't see you. Have crawled back under my nice, comfy, PROTECTIVE rock.
At the restaurant...
Stephanie: Well, it looks like your Recapper is having some sort of crisis. Since I'm super-fast, let me blaze through this. We have reservations, but the hostess is telling us there's a 45 minute wait. I hate to wait, especially now that I'm super fast, so after being condescended to by Ginger, over there, I speed up to the desk move our name to the top of the wait list, and some other poor sucker's name down to our slot. Jim and I are feeling pretty proud of ourselves, until we realize the schnook whose spot we took had made reservations, so he could propose to his girlfriend. Overcome with guilt, and having a soft-spot for young lovers on our anniversary, Jim and I give up our table, which should have been the young lovers' anyhow, and we go to a nearby hotdog stand.
Jim: As we walk around town, we come across another fire. And I spot -- Sparkles -- is it?
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Yes, that's right. Continue, please.
Jim: So I tell Steph to call 9-1-1 and tell them we've spotted a suspect, and then I make her promise to wait right there, while I run off after Sparkles. I'm really not comfortable calling him Sparkles. Will you please come up with a different nickname?
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: No!
Steph: I think Sparkles is kinda cute. The name. Not the guy. I mean did you get a gander at him? But that's not what's important here. Jim, you missed the best part.
Steph: Oh all right, I'll tell it. So Jim makes me promise to wait right there, and we all know that's code for "follow along later and save me" and when he takes off, he hands his hotdog to a firefighter! He's all like here, buddy, you're not busy. Crack me up.
Jim: I do no such thing. I throw the hotdog in a nearby trashcan.
Steph: Are you sure? It totally looks like you hand it off to a firefighter.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: No, he's right. I watched it again. But I thought the same thing at first, Stephanie. Now let's get this show on the road.
Jim: So I throw my hotdog in the trash and follow... Sparkles for a couple of blocks, then catch up with him in a long alley. There's a little bit of back and forth where he realizes I'm a super, too, and then we fight. I smash him up against a wall. HE STARTS A FIRE WITH HIS FRICKING HANDS. Do you understand me? He is beating me up. WITH FIRE. We're in a remote alley, so I grab a dumpster lid as a shield, but pretty soon, the sucker is going to melt.
Steph: And that's when I save the day. No, don't ask me how I know where to find them, but I do. Then I charge up behind Sparkles, grab a pipe, conk him over the head and knock him out. Just then, the cops show up. No, don't ask how they know where to go, either. Jim grabs me and at first I think he wants to... celebrate our anniversary right there in the alley, and although I'm all atwitter with adrenaline I have my standards, so I suggest we retire to the hotel, instead, but he just wants to keep our secret identities secret.
Jim: Well, that's not all I want, I just...I have my standards, too. But what's worrisome is the cops are taking Sparkles into custody.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Right, because how do they know that this random guy who's passed out in an alley is the arsonist?
Jim: [scoffing] Nah. That's not worrisome, that's just what passes for plotting on this show. It's worrisome, because he's STARTS FIRES WITH HIS BARE HANDS and he could burn down the police station, the town, the world.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Oh, I get that. I just... the plotting thing, Jim. It ticks me off. I'll be watching a nice little episode like this one and thinking I've been too harsh on it, and then the writers abandon all efforts to connect the dots and just tell me they connect. I don't like it.
Stephanie: That's why you have The Vampire Diaries, Rocky. Don't worry. It'll be back Thursday, December 2, at 8:00 PM/7 Central on the CW.
JJ: Um, guys, there's story going on over here, too.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Yeah, but do you have to tell it?
Daphne: HA! No. I will. Now that the poker-bullies have switched their game, JJ is tanking, so he asks me to read their minds and give him a sign when they're bluffing. Pretty soon, he's raking in the chips. But then KATIE SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE! She's with her boyfriend, so JJ and I rush to the door, and give them cherubic smiles and cheery voices, and Katie's totally falling for it, but her darned boyfriend suggests she should check inside, just in case. Killjoy.
Will the Watcher: Well, I don't really give a damn what you kids do. I just want to snoop around your house and report back to Dr. RevCam King.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: (Ixnay on the oopsnay. You and I are the only ones who know about that.)