TWO WEEKS LATER
Kevin, sneaking around as usual: "I need to go to the batting cages with Eddie at six in the morning, okay?"
Jackie: "That sounds normal. My back really hurts because of everything about my life."
Fiona's hair is all tangled, but that's the only interesting Fiona thing going on. Grace gives her a multivitamin and this causes Jackie to feel weird.
Drugs: "We miss you too, Jackie! Put us in your face!"
Kevin: "Hey Eddie, did you know I hate my wife suddenly?"
Eddie: "I wish you didn't have a baseball bat at the end of your giant superhero arms if we're going to talk about your wife."
Kevin: "Mostly that's it. But also bizarre elliptical scary faces that could mean anything."
Eddie: "Stop looking at me like you're going to kill me."
Kevin: "It's okay, I'm probably talking about something else or maybe I am going to get hit by a truck and none of this matters. Have some more creepy staring, won't you?"
Eddie: "This whole situation is weirdly sexual."
Gloria: "All of a sudden I am back to being obsessed with Michelle Obama despite having dropped the topic entirely for like half the season."
Michelle Obama: "I'm sorry but I can't come visit you today, because you are crazy. Also because the Pope called and he said you are bribing priests for statues."
Gloria: "What am I going to do with all these fat kids I kidnapped? I was going to make them fight each other in an arena for the First Lady's pleasure."
Michelle Obama: "That does not sound like a fun time to me. You should probably get obsessed with some other lady."
Jackie: "So Gloria, can I be off drugs probation? It's been two weeks."
Gloria: "I don't have time to worry about your career and your probation right now. I have a bunch of fat kids to worry about."
Jackie: "But I am freaking out!"
Gloria: "Since when are you not freaking out?"
Jackie: "Since about one second from now."
Jackie immediately eats an entire bottle of Grace's Xanax, because she has been holding on for dear life. "Hands off, head down," Gloria said, and when Jackie replied that she was at the end of her rope Gloria said, "Then make more rope." And you know what they say about more rope. It's not like a huge surprise, less so even for Jackie, but it's still a concession and it's not a proud feeling to watch her do it.
Gloria: "Fat kids, there is no Michelle Obama for you. Just me, instead. Let's eat healthy snacks and exercise our bodies."
Fat Kids: "That sounds fabulous."
Coop & Thor: Have won wedding money from the fantasy football. Only one of them can legally get married.
Thor: "Can I be your best man?"
Coop: "I'm calling Eddie first."
Thor: "But I got my braces off! Check out how cute I am now!"
Coop, quick-thinking: "No, you can just sing at my wedding instead."
Thor: Falls for it.
Jackie: "Zoey, what's wrong with your eyes and why are you dressed like Class President?"
Zoey: "I have decided it's time for a Nurses' Appreciation Day party."
Sam: "Don't invite Jackie to your parties. Plus, that party sounds awful."
Zoey: "Just because it's a party in the basement! Doesn't mean it's going to suck!"
Everybody: "Zoey, Underling Appreciation Days are condescending and fake. They compartmentalize what should be an ongoing respect into teddy bears and stupid coupons. This is just one of the many ways you still don't get it."
Zoey: "If we don't celebrate ourselves, nobody will."
Thor: "Kind of right, but kind of wrong."
Eddie: "Jackie, we have a problem."
Jackie: "There is no we."
Eddie: "I think that Kevin might kill both of us."
Jackie: "I think that he is the most boring person and you're wrong."
Eleanor: "I need everybody in Trauma for Patient One. Except for you, Jackie, who cannot be around drugs because you are a giant junkie. And even though Eddie knows this and we've spoken openly about this, the three of us, I'm still going to act cagey and weird."
Eddie: "That sucks that you're not allowed to do your job because of being a huge drug addict."
Jackie: "That sucks that your face because your stupid ass face."
Jackie talks to a taxi driver, who I guess ran over the people. She comforts him, and he goes into some kind of shock. Kelly and Jackie continue their détente of being the two best nurses and respecting each other without chatting about it. Medical words are tossed about.
Kelly: "I'll get O'Hara to bring in a chest tube."
Jackie: "No, I'm feeling powerless and neglected as a professional, so I'm going to do some medical thing I probably shouldn't be doing. Go get me some drugs."
Kelly: "Go get your own drugs."
Jackie: "Go get me some drugs or else. I can't do drug things anymore."
Kelly: "I am amazed by you telling me that, so I will do whatever you want."
Jackie: Chest tube! Whooshing breath sounds! Amazing!
Eleanor: "Hey, nice chest tube!"
Jackie: "I even followed the rules."
Eleanor: "I'm so impressed that you are ten minutes into the episode and you haven't brought anything crashing in on all of us."
Jackie: "Yeah, I'm feeling sort of like this need to prove myself or something."
GLORIA'S FAT KIDS
Gloria: "We hate sugar, right?"
Fat Kids: "No, we think it's awesome. The entire food industry is about the fact that it is awesome, and we're just falling in line because the food industry is not really subject to any kind of regulation and American health is marginal to profit as legislated by lobbyists for the people-killer food industry and its attendant remora industries. Also corn."
Gloria: "You know what's really cool? Raisins."
Fat Kids: "Stop patronizing us, thanks."
Gloria: Does an amazing trick where she makes the raisin box squeal really loud, like a grass whistle. Also she has lost one of the fat children.
Is a coughing ginger lady named Ruth. Gloria marches the fat kids through there; Ruth keeps talking. Coop drags Jackie to the Chapel, causing her to cross her furious arms even more furiously than ever before.
Coop: "People are scared of you! You'll make the perfect wedding coordinator."
Jackie: "No. Make Zoey."
Coop: "Nobody listens to Zoey! Plus my moms!"
Jackie: "This is your last divorced-parents card, Coop."
Coop: "Playing it! Also, my fiancée Cricket reminds me of you."
Jackie: "Really. Well. Good luck, then. With that."
Lenny: "Do you throw yourself a party down here every week? Because this is very dramatic. Is this about an anniversary or some shit?"
Zoey: "No, it is about appreciation. See the sign?"
Lenny: "Nope, later."
Thor: "Look at the intense way you have thrown this party! There are fifty balloons, streamers everywhere, a buffet on a gurney, and a giant x-ray lightbox display that says THANK YOU NURSES. Is your theory that by making this as big a deal as possible, you will proportionally turn down the volume on how pathetic it remains?"
Zoey: "That is sort of my whole life."
Thor: "You are so sweet. And I am singing at Coop's wedding. Let's start now."
People singing makes me so uncomfortable.
Zoey, begging: "No. Stop."
Jackie: "Can you refill Grace's Xanax please?"
Eleanor: "If she's already out, she's taking too many."
Jackie, ashamed: "That's not the issue."
Eleanor, stunned and sad: "Oh, Jackie..."
Jackie bounces; Coop enters.
Coop: "Whatcha wearin' to my wedding?"
Eleanor: "Not going."
Coop: "Too painful?"
Eleanor: "Now I'm definitely going."
Has anything ever been less interesting than this Coop's Wedding arc? Points for making his three acts work together -- the divorce, the childhood stuff, now this -- but because the rest of the cast has such dogmatic responses to him in every circumstance, rolling the eyes, it feels a lot more simplistic and repetitive than it has any need to be. The thing with Eleanor is funny, but it's one joke. The thing with Jackie was moderately funny, but still: One joke. Frankly, the only joke that ever happens with Jackie: She's a bitch, but that's somehow amazing and heroic. A bitter, snarky, mean joke that never gets old.
Also, you can feel the anticlimax from here because what, like it's actually going to happen? Taking the entirety of his characteristics off the board? On a show that can't manage anything but immediately backsliding to the status quo even when it's trying,