Horrible Caitlyn Flynn returns to Mean Girl Grace about her one hundred mental disorders -- and her Horrible Mom (does she look different this year?) shows up to flirt with Kevin yet again. But it's not the Horrible Flynns that Jackie should be worried about: Eddie is now getting so close to Kevin that they're taking care of the kids together, resulting in the mindbendingly fucked up end scene, in which Eddie introduces himself to Jackie, in her own home, as though they've never met.
In other wrongfully crossing wires, Coop visits Eddie at the pharmacy (for the first time since his suicide attempt) and may be accidentally forming an alliance against her. A man burns his face off with a cell phone, and another guy gets mauled by a Great Dane after resuscitating it at the Dog Show, which somehow causes his testicles to migrate up his body ("like biiiiiirds," moans the weird and wonderful Zoey B). Oh, and Jackie continues to ride New Guy Sam's ass at every opportunity, looking ever-crazier in doing so as one by one, while the whole hospital falls under his considerable charms.
Also shaking the hospital is Coop's latest outrage: His publicist gets him on some list of the Top 25 Doctors in Manhattan. He tweets about it, of course, but it drives Eleanor to act insane (duh), bond beautifully with Gloria (?) and Zoey (!) -- who's still all about her mysterious romance -- and mistreat a sexy, friendly EMT. Zoey notices Jackie using her PIN for the Pyxis, but is dissuaded and then distracted once Jackie convinces her that Gloria's wearing the same fragrance (L.A.M.B.). Come on, Zoey. We all know Gloria ain't no Hollabackalitus.
Today's drug-related intro image: A knife cutting coke that turns out to be Grace scraping flour, or something, flat in a measuring cup. I wonder if the quality of an episode could be described in relation to whether that image happens every time or of what quality it is. Fiona's in the kitchen with Grace and horrible Kaitlyn Flinn, who is of course bitching about her and inviting Grace to be mean to her as well. Grace, of course, gives in and tells her to stop helping, but the girls collapse in giggles eventually.
Meanwhile, Jackie comes home and immediately senses the evil in the house: "Kaitlyn? I'm less than thrilled." I know that it's proportionally part of her hatred of horrible Kaitlyn that Kaitlyn is horrible, but there's also her jealousy about Kaitlyn's horrible mother in there. Kevin's like, "Grace needs friends, and Kaitlyn is her only friend." God, that's terrible. You'd think that you'd take a look at your choices if that were the case. But I guess sucking the life out of every room probably takes up the lion's share of Grace's time and mental energy.
Kevin's doing the budget, which is being woggled by Grace's tuition at the Special School For Downers & Buzzkills she goes to. This gives Jackie entrée to discuss Eleanor's request to give them money for the girls, and Kevin says they can't take money from crazy people -- in the past they've accepted money from both Jackie and Kevin's moms, and it has caused issues. Jackie says Eleanor's not crazy (HA!) and Kevin counters that most people, even rich ones, don't usually live in hotels. I would live in a hotel so fast, wouldn't you?
Well, no. That used to be true but I've sort of outgrown it. I can see what he means: That kind of ephemeral breezy thing she does that he hates, and of course the "everything's temporary" philosophy that she and Jackie share, which is the thing he hates about Jackie that he doesn't even know he hates about Jackie and thus has to transfer over to Jackie. She ends the discussion by reminding Kevin that horrible Kaitlyn is the spoiler at the end of The Orphan, and he says he's keeping an eye on it. He's real observant, that Kevin Peyton.
...Downstairs, his wife snorts a huge line of something, and is immediately scared shitless when alerted by her Spidey Sense to the horror of Kaitlyn on the stairs, who first explains that 1) Grace said there was a bomb shelter downstairs, so she 2) Had to check because obviously Grace is a crazy liar and that 3) Grace worries about all kinds of "things that don't even make sense," leading her to suggest that 4) Jackie seek help for her insane daughter. All true, of course, but don't tell Jackie that after she's just taken down a rail.
Jackie stares up at her, looming in a threatening way, and goes, "Whattayou, a shrink?" So obviously Kaitlyn immediately asks what Jackie was doing inhaling shit through a straw downstairs in the fake bomb shelter. Jackie, hating her like you rarely hate a little girl, flips into a sort of amazing lie about how it's a trick that nurses use to dry up their tear ducts, because they "see a lot of pain and suffering during the day and the last thing we want to do is come home and cry in front of our families."
Kaitlyn looks askance, but this is such an amazing lie that she can't outright call bullshit, so Jackie does one of her best and most frightening Addict Tricks: "I need a hug. Can I have one?" Kaitlyn is as petrified as Fitch Coop locked in the arms of amped-up Jackie, and it is so, so worth it.
The doorbell rings, saving them both from this naked-Santa moment, and horrible Ginny Flinn comes in with a crazy grin and some trashy casserole made with tater tots. "Kaitlyn says you guys order a lot of pizza!" She says everything like a makeup saleswoman having an orgasm on nitrous. Jackie tells her to suck it, basically, and then peels her off Kevin's penis and forces her to go in the kitchen.