Nurse Jackie

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Grace is not interested in cupcakes, because they are fun and delicious and because children love cupcakes. Also because "Kaitlyn and Fi touched them with their bare hands and filled them full of their bacteria." I would probably eat cupcakes that Fiona made, because at worst her hands would just be covered in like grave dirt, or uranium dust from a bomb she's making somewhere, but I would not eat Kaitlyn cupcakes because she is barfy. "I washed my hands, Grace, right in front of you like you told me to," Kaitlyn says brightly/evilly. "She made me wash my hands!" she exclaims. I like how even though Kaitlyn is a raving bitch, she is also never wrong.

Jackie, defensive as usual: "Well, washing your hands is sanitary. Thank you for setting such a good example, honey." Moms always do that, and you never see it on TV: They will straight up lie about their kids' behavior if it calls their own parenting into question. "I can't understand why her weight's not going down, Doctor! She only eats vegetables and whole grains!" Grace explains to the Flinns that even washing your hands every two minutes is not insane, compared to the aching death of swine flu, and Jackie shoots enough steely glances their way that Ginny finally bounces, to say goodbye to "Kev."

Jackie gives the girls an amazing "fuck that" face and dumps the casserole in the trash, automatically supplying the lie from her Addict Sack that Fiona is allergic to potatoes. Grace points out that it wasn't even necessary to say that, considering she has now instructed her daughters to lie about potatoes, and instead of blowing it off Jackie's just like, "Well, there are good lies and bad lies, it's all very complicated." Right, because what Grace needs is more ambiguity about the nature of reality and the unreliable narrator that is her mother. Well done.

Coop is stocking up on Ramen, Breakfast of Douches, at Eddie's pharmacy. Eddie checks him out and Coop says he's only there to check on Eddie after his creepy suicide attempt. He assumes that it has to do with Eddie getting fired from All Saints and having to work at this shitty pharmacy, which is a hilarious drive-by insult, and Eddie tries to be patient. Coop tells him the good news about the Top 25 Doctors In New York, talks about his lack of boundaries as though it's a good thing, and then explains Twitter to Eddie.

"Just letting people know where I am... My followers. I have 240. You should try it. A guy like you would probably have 100 at least!" He offers once again to be a friend to Eddie in that way of his -- "if you just want to talk, you're on my way to work" -- and Eddie asks if it was Jackie that told him about the OD. Of course it wasn't, the whole place is just abuzz about it. "I sent out a tweet saying you were totally alive!" he says, mortifying Eddie, and -- note -- refers to Thor as "the diabetic." Which is of ongoing importance in a couple of ways, but also here proves that Coop is capable of learning things.

Eddie brings the convo back to Jackie for the fiftieth time, and Coop immediately starts talking about the complaint he filed. "I will crush her!" he says, in a funny voice, and bugs Eddie one more time about the suicide, so Eddie lies and says he mixed meds during a migraine. "I'm good. In fact, I'm great. Tell everybody. Or not." Coop has already forgotten this conversation before he even gets out of there.

Jackie tells a pair of totally cute pumps about how she threw away the casserole. "I know that if she had her way, she would be Mrs. Ginny Payton; I would be going home to some other dude." Eleanor suggests moving to another country if you want to avoid your past -- "worked for me!" -- and assures Jackie that Kaitlyn's horror won't rub off: "Snot is viral. Snottiness is not." They discuss the money thing, and Eleanor says that if Kevin's uncomfortable taking her money, imagine how uncomfortable he'd be with a daughter that's a lap dancer.

Um. Can you imagine Grace as a lap dancer in fifteen years? The most depressing person doing the most depressing job? "Keep your bacteria hands off me and let me gyrate lifelessly for the next five minutes. Are you aroused yet? That's just Freud's way of reminding you that we're all going to die one day. Fucking ceaselessly on the lonely animal conveyor belt toward death. I can't even look you in the eye."

Coop drops the magazine about the Top 25 Best Doctors in Manhattan on Eleanor's lap, of whom he is #2, and the ladies collectively spaz. Jackie's reaction is particularly amazing. Eleanor's not even on the list, which is hilarious. In the ER, this guy got mauled by a Great Dane after administering CPR when it had a heart attack on the floor at the North Hampton Dog Show. Coop gets him on morphine and pages Maxillofacial, which Jackie translates quietly and hilariously: "That's because he can't just say Plastics."

The guy's "oil can" mumbling leads them to his testicles, which have fled the scene. Zoey hisses when Jackie finds their absence, and Coop explains that they've migrated -- "Migrated. Like birds," murmurs Zoey weirdly -- in reaction to the animal attack, so now his scrotum is empty. Just when you think you know all the things.

Jackie pages Urology, and Coop whines that he gets to do that, so then he also pages Urology. Outside, the wife is worried about the guy even before we get to the testicle issue, and she worries more about the dog than the man, as Dog People tend to do. She can tell that Jackie gives not a shit about the dog, and bothers her about why she doesn't have dogs. Jackie says she has sons, because she is a random liar with secrets, and the lady won't quit with it, so then the imaginary boys have allergies, and the lady won't quit, so finally to get her off her case Jackie's like, "Oh, by the way, your husband's testicles have migrated. We'll let you know as soon as we find them." That shuts her up.

"God, these gloves are so tight I feel like OJ." Zoey says that's the third time he's cracked that joke -- is this also a diabetes thing? -- and he's all, "Oh, like your material's fresh. Are you wearing eyeshadow?" She says no, but she is, and asks how it looks. Sam says she looks nice, and she goes, "Back off" before twirling away in her chair. It's awesome. Akalitus brings by Coop's plaque with the magazine cover, and Zoey's jaw drops amazingly. Everybody's shocked, except for Sam, who immediately figures out that Coop's got a publicist. Coop stares and doesn't know what to do, and it's amazing, and Akalitus is totally unimpressed, so he finally asks her to take it to his office for him. That does not go well.

Zoey runs to Jackie and they laugh about the publicist, but Jackie stops smiling when she says it was Sam that figured it out. Sam knowing private shit about people, in addition to his rehab? He really is just Jackie Kryptonite. If she had balls they'd migrate. Well, she... You know what I mean.

Eleanor's got an EMT in the ER who has screwed up her middle finger on a gurney. "It's too bad. I had a long list of people I was gonna flip off. I guess I'll have to wait." Heh. Eleanor bitches about Americans and their lists, jerking the lady's hand around until it hurts so bad she almost passes out. She admires the woman's manicure, which she got at her sister's salon, and Eleanor's like, "That's what I'm talking about! Word of mouth, not some poxy list!" She finally jerks the fingers back into alignment so abruptly that the lady nearly throws up. Safe to say Eleanor's bedside manner has gone onto a list of its own today. The whole scene is visceral and mean and sour and funny and bright, but it's weird to see Eleanor treat patients any other way than usual.

Zoey catches Jackie putting her own PIN into the Pyxis (111986, her birthday) and Jackie lies her ass off for awhile -- Bad Jackie! Bad Jackie! -- before Zoey introduces the minor second patient of the episode: Guy whose cell phone exploded in his face. She's bringing him morphine from the gumball machine, which is her clever new name for the machine. In addition to the eyeshadow, Zoey is appa

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Nurse Jackie

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