Nurse Jackie

Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: A+ | Grade It Now!
Fully Dressed, Without A Smile
going on in the back of the room having to do with Thor. Like a Roomba with no inner sense of direction, he is bumping into walls.

Coop screams at Thor and throws him out of there, and they do medical things to the deaf girl, and then outside in the hallway Jackie comes after Coop with both barrels for taking it out on sweet old Thor. "He's diabetic. You know that, right? The guy has a reaction, you go after him like a bully on the playground. That's classy, Coop." Coop whines that he couldn't know, but Jackie points out -- and Thor holds up for proof -- his giant "I Am Diabetic" bracelet. There's a short hug -- no kiss this time -- and Thor giggles about it once Coop is gone, because Coop's a dreamboat. But Thor is still in trouble.

Jackie drags Thor down to the chapel, where they prop their sneakers up on the pews and discuss Thor's unRoombalike behavior. "It's a good thing it was Coop. The other doctors don't scare so easy," Jackie says, and Thor worries that if Akalitus gets wind of his blood sugar dropping, they'll take him off Trauma and send him to Chemo or Maternity. The latter terrifies him most, because that's where they keep the vaginas. Jackie reminds him to eat and then tells him to stop eating fried food and cake. Apparently, Thor loves cake like a fat kid loves cake.

"I don't drink. I don't smoke. I eat cake. Cake is good. It's comfort food. Why do the things that are so bad for you make you feel the best?"

Jackie's response is eloquent and brusque, but... Yeah.

Sam approaches Jackie and apologizes for that time he was fucked up and called her a drug addict, and gets all rehab on her -- " if you ever want to talk or go to a meeting" -- and she of course has no idea what he's talking about, firstly, and secondly will never be his friend, because he's like the Gollum of her addiction, which in this metaphor would be played by Frodo: Sam is the horrible thing that she could turn into if she fucks up even one little time.

Gloria screams death threats into her phone and the punchline is, "Thank you, Monsignor. Have a good day." Fitch Coop comes running in to lodge a formal complaint against a nurse. Gloria's face lights up and she goes, "Super!" But then she finds out that he's talking about Nurse Jackie, and the light goes out of her eyes once again. "She constantly challenges my decisions, is bossy and rude and unpleasant. Bully. That's the word, she's a bully." Her word. "There's a chain of command here that she refuses to acknowledge. I am at the top of that chain of command, okay? She is at the bottom and I am the top." Nobody even believes that anyway, and you're wrong, but go on. "If this were a Food Pyramid, I would be the steak."

Instead of calling into question this entire thought process, Gloria just points out that technically, Fats & Oils are at the top of the Food Pyramid. "I am a good fucking doctor. And for a nurse -- a nurse -- to be messing with my head by constantly undermining me -- Am I going too fast? Because I can slow down if you need me to -- What happens when a patient gets wheeled in here one day and that poor guy sees Jackie yelling at me like I'm the world's biggest asshole? How do you think it makes the patient feel?" Coop is now weeping. It's amazing: "I don't think it makes him feel any better..." Gloria offers to look into this, writes "World's Biggest Asshole" in her notebook several times, and stares at his rapid breakdown. But she stares even harder at his rapid recovery: "That was good. I feel better. That was good." Akalitus, come on. He was raised by lesbians. Emotional processing is for him what Nintendo and glutens were for the rest of us.

Jackie takes over the deaf lady's husband's fight with his insurance -- I would say "timely!" except for how the entire concept and industry of medical insurance is fundamentally evil to begin with, and thus these cocksuckers could be calling from any year at all -- and uses all her Addict Skillz to get the surgery covered. It's both fun and funny to watch, but also incredibly frightening to see how good she is at being sneaky and sketchy and working people's shit.

A 44-year-old male comes in, having swallowed around thirty time-release Xanax tabs. Eleanor spots his face as Jackie's coming in, and makes them flip him over for the pump, and starts trying to get Jackie out of the room, but of course Jackie doesn't pay any attention and just jokes around while she's getting the patient ready for the pump... And then sees his face: It's Eddie. Suicidal fucking fired useless stalker Eddie.

Jackie wanders out in a daze and sends old Sam in to assist Eleanor, and then wanders around the hospital worrying about Eddie and thinking about the vial of Ativan in her pocket and when a little boy in triage asks, "Are you sick?" she lies and says she's not. Kevin calls and she walks him through lunch, and when Eleanor comes out from pumping Eddie's stomach and sits quietly with her, all Jackie can say is, "I am not responsible for that."

Sam and Thor discuss Eddie's many fuckups, which Zoey ignores until she sees Jackie coming, and then tells them to shut up. Inside the room, Eddie goes, "Hey, look who's talking to me!" He's all quiet and shitty and sick and hollowed out and he says he did the whole suicide thing to get her attention -- just says it! -- and that she looks great and that he knew "how much not to take." Which nobody knows, but it's like cake: You could have it for dinner if you want. But when you start looking at it as a negative quantity, then it's got control of you in a whole new, way worse way. And now she's looking in his eyes and seeing a look in them which she recognizes from the mirror, which is that she is now his cake. "You are fucking psychotic," she says, and leaves for the day.

At home, with that song from Annie playing, Kevin and the kids are discussing the solar system, and Fiona's being adorable and guess what, Grace is being a drag: "It doesn't matter. The sun's going to explode and eat up all the other planets anyways." Jackie brings home cake for dinner, and Grace finally smiles. And while the girls are cutting the cake, and cheering for their mom, she's in the bathroom cutting out a huge rail. Cake is good.

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Nurse Jackie




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