HR mandates piss tests for all of Gloria's nurses, which only Jackie and Kelly really worry about. In the end, after nonstop complaining and worrying about it, Gloria tosses Jackie's urine sample in the garbage as some kind of revolutionary act or something. Whatever involves a total lack of consequences and return to status quo. The myriad ways in which this show refuses to ever change can be really unsatisfying.
I love how Lenny is the only ambulance driver in New York. The only patients of note this week are a pair of brothers, one of whom is both deaf and blind, but beyond Jackie's usual high level of care there's not much to that. Somehow Coop gets her, and everybody, involved in his big birthday-wedding plans, but the girl cold-foots it on out of there and leaves him at the altar before we even get to meet her. Having been stood up, Coop seems more distraught than ever, but the staff all sing "Happy Birthday" to him and that cheers him up. Although not quite as much as the romantic pedicab ride Eddie takes him on afterwards.
Fiona playing with matches leads to Kevin calling and calling, but since Jackie has a feeling he's going to freak out on her about something, she avoids him all day long. Eventually he shows up at the hospital with the girls -- who, predictably, love what a trainwreck Zoey is -- and takes Jackie aside for a very stern conversation about why he's been such a sour-faced monster all season...
Turns out, of course, Kev himself had an affair at some point after the intervention. Jackie kicks him out of the house, because she is a gross hypocrite drug addict, and that's the only real cliffhanger thing. We don't address Eleanor's offer last week to supply Jackie with drugs, we don't find a reason for anything that happened this season really, and absolutely nothing changes. Kevin will, I'm sure, have moved back into the house by the time next season starts. Same old song, but getting kind of tiresome after three years.
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Previously, not that it generally matters: Kevin acted sketchy when he was here at all, and Jackie took her daughter's baby-Xanax. Eleanor offered to be Jackie's drug dealer, cementing the sort of awful dependence between them. Jackie was stepped down from handling drugs at work, to protect her and Gloria essentially, and she learned that Kelly is kind of an amazing bullshitter. Oh, and Coop dealt with his moms' divorce by marrying the first Facebook person that ever poked him back.
Fiona: "Yes, I'm still on this show. I have graduated to burning shit with a magnifying glass."
Even Scarier Kid: "I have a lighter for us to play with."
Fiona: "That sounds enjoyable, to say the least."
Crazy Dude: "I have lots of mental and developmental issues."
Jackie: "What a strange coincidence!"
Gloria: "Apparently the Pill-O-Matix and then firing you from half your job didn't do the trick, so now we've got piss tests."
Jackie: "When will this happen? I have lots of fluids to drink and a sauna to visit, so my day's pretty booked."
Kelly: "I too am looking forward to pissing in a cup after doing weird druggie activities."
Gloria: "In the tradition of '50s etiquette handbooks and pamphlets, I have started referring to dieting as 'reducing.'"
Gloria: Is still the greatest.
Everybody: Continues to be mean to the weirdo in Admitting. It's painful to watch. Jodie Foster would be proud.
Kelly & Jackie: Start pounding goldenseal and vitamins and kombucha, the very worst thing that has ever existed in all of existence. I remember when I saw Prince Of Darkness for the first time I thought that the Devil couldn't be a fluid and then I tried kombucha. Their junkie camaraderie is pretty fun to watch, but kind of a twist after the preceding season. It will be fun to watch them continue to like each other next year, assuming the show doesn't forget Kelly ever existed. RIP Momo.
Thor: "Confederate reenactor was cleaning his sword..."
Jackie: "I honestly thought you were talking about sex just now."
Sam: "Nerds don't have sex."
(Coop, off-stage: "WRONG!")
Thor: "All four fingers, gone."
Zoey: "I feel sorry for the patients who are, you know... Stupid."
Thor: "This is actually a story about a guy I'm dating."
Jackie, and for real: "Raise the bar, Thor."
Thor obviously can have anything he wants. He's wondrous.
Coop: "[Wedding stuff]."
Nobody: Cares at all.
Coop: "I wish I was marrying Nurse Kelly."
Jackie puts Zoey on cake duty after she unwisely admits being excited about Coop's birthday, which is slash-his-wedding if you recall.
Lenny: Starts shit with Eleanor about Patient One, who has a pipe coming out his chest; she goes with his instincts.
Patient Two: Not sure what's going on with him.
There's a neat/meaningless transition involving scattered tongue depressors, and we switch back and forth between the two scenes.