Which is what makes the whole thing sad and why I'll continue to root for her no matter how horrible she gets or how little accountability the show demands of her, because whatever "consequences" there are that we're constantly overlooking and being asked to overlook in favor of the ever-increasing high of watching her fuck up: Every moment of her day is another strip off her back because she is completely aware of what a fucking monster she is. She's uglier to herself than the show could ever see her; we are all uglier to ourselves than we could possibly really be.
The thing about sainthood is that you're in a race with yourself, and your demons, and nobody else: You left them behind a long time ago. So the thing that usually would get you out -- shame -- isn't something you have to draw on, because as an addict you're already so close to being God, and as a genius you know for a fact you're better than everybody else, because the smarter you are the crazier you get to be. The well is darker and lonelier; it's a longer fall to find the bottom.
Or else why would they constantly do exactly what you tell them to do? Letting it go slack -- so loose you could skip rope with it -- and then reeling them in again? Giving them just enough to hang themselves with, as long as you can keep them. As long as they are yours.
Coop heads to the giftshop, the better to buy a greeting card; they don't sell cards for this kind of thing, because this kind of thing is specific and new and hopeful. The maybe one upside of the suppression and systematic devaluation of female sexuality has been the understanding in and between women of the difference between sexual and emotional romance: Eleanor and Jackie love each other as much as Anne Shirley loved Diana Barry, as passionately and multivalently as they ever did, without getting confused about it, even with O'Hara's sexuality in the corner. And while men have always quietly done the same, it's only as recent as last week they could be as vocal about it as Eddie and Kevin, or as ridiculous, as ham-fistedly romantic, as Coop: In a world without fathers we can all do what we want.
Thanks to Jackie, Zoey has decided to ride Lenny about the whole DNR thing. She makes him apologize and beg for awhile before gifting him a grin; she is learning. She senses the stressful silence between Jackie and Eleanor, at the smoking door, and offers to have lunch again with Eleanor, whom Lenny compliments. It ends well, for the youngsters; Jackie gives Eleanor a sheepish wave as she's getting her black car.
Jackie: "I'm sorry, Kev. The last thing I meant to do was scare you. Sweetie, I'm not a moron, yes of course there's a potential for addiction, yes. I was nowhere near that. Honey, I'm not that kind of mom..."
And just like that, Pee Lady becomes part of the story too. That's what a non-addict would say, so she says it.
Eleanor drives away and Jackie runs into the street, lying carelessly to Kevin to get off the phone; Gloria's still on with the White House when Jackie asks for leave to chase Eleanor down. Apologies are not a two-way street.
Jackie: "Monday equals lunch on the terrace. Do I know you or do I know you?"
Eleanor: (That's the problem.)
Jackie: "Sloan-Kettering? Really? I trained with Brenda. Columbia Pres? I know everybody in HR. St. Luke's, I trained more than half their staff. So there is pretty much no place you can go where I can't be in 24 hours, just so you know. I'm not that easy to get rid of."
Waiter: "May I bring you..."
Jackie: "Hold your horses."
Eleanor: (Doesn't move.)
Jackie: "If I ever needed a friend, it's now. If you want to jump ship, you're gonna jump ship and there's nothing I can do about it. But don't think for one second that I won't cash in my chips at All Saints, because I will. And I will find you. Because you are my friend. That's just the way it is. So you might as well stay. Please stay. That's all I got."
Eleanor: (Doesn't move.)
People have got to stop trying to save people that don't want to be saved. End of story.
When Jackie gets back Sam can't fill her in, he did the NYU afternoon meeting. "One day at a time, my friend," Jackie says in a way that's barely taunting.
"Hanging by a thread," Sam mumbles. "I'm gonna do it this time," Sam promises.
Coop takes the stage, to a chorus of sighs, after Sam refuses the greeting card he chose. It's a birth announcement. "
It's A Boy! Am I Sorry!"
"Dear Sam. I am sorry I slept with your girlfriend. What a dick move. Seriously. Apologies are a two-way street. And seeing that we work together, and even though I am a doctor and you are a nurse, I still want to apologize to you and for you to accept my apology as much as I accept yours. Don't forget, you broke my nose. I forgive you. Yours truly, Dr. Fitch..."