Nurse Jackie
Orchids & Salami

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Sicker Than Other People

Thor & Zoey: Wait for Nurse Kelly to arrive at work shirtless, you know, like how you do when you're a working professional person. Every time they say "Kelly Slater" you must try not to imagine what if Zack Morris's girlfriend married Zack Morris's boyfriend.
Jackie: Still hates Nurse Kelly.
Kelly: Still rules all over Nurse Jackie.
Thor & Zoey: Loving. It.

NURSES' STATION

Everybody: "Nurse Kelly bought us all drinks and told us all these stories about how amazing he is and generally we are all in a cult now."
Jackie: "This sucks because I can't tell you how much I don't care without sounding like I feel left out, when the actual truth is that I do not care. I'm stuck in a box."

AKALITUS

Gloria: "Nurse Kelly, tell me more things about how amazing you are."
Kelly: "That's my favorite thing to ever talk about! You remind me of Michelle Obama."
Gloria: "That's so exciting because my whole personality is about that now. What a coincidence."
Kelly: "Yeah, but you're prettier and more competent than the First Lady. And married to many, many more presidents of the US. And a much more accomplished jumproper."
Gloria: "This is so much fun, I can't tell you."

Gloria: "Tell me spy things about Lily Chung from Bellevue that I keep yakking about."
Kelly: "She was really into acronyms."
Gloria: "Her key to success is acronyms? Just like AA. I can do that."
Kelly: "Did I mention I know the First Lady personally?"
Gloria: "Did you even have to?"

NURSING IT YO

Zoey: Works on her blog, Nursing It Yo.
Thor, reading Orchids & Salami: "Eva Gabor's Memoir. The two things she had in her fridge."
Lenny's Fridge, per Zoey: "Duck sauce and Marlboros."
Lenny: Gets more perfect all the time.

Coop's Fridge: Muscle Milk, chicken breasts, iceberg lettuce.
Zoey's Fridge: Diet shakes, Lunchables, weird ice cream.
Sam's Fridge: Whatever is super boring, but kind of sexy.
Eddie's Fridge: Severed heads of young ladies who thought they were too good for him.
Momo's Fridge: Raman noodles, soy sauce packets, gay problems.
Thor's Fridge: Splenda products, insulin, crudité that's long since changed texture.
Jackie's Fridge: Resentment, secrets, other secrets.
Kelly's Fridge: An Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, two Tonys.
Eleanor's Fridge: Canapés, doggy bags, Veuve Clicquot Brut.

Everybody: Gabs about Zoey's blog despite being uninterested.
Eleanor: "Jacks, will you accompany me to another ghastly open house full of free liquor and grabby Russians?"
Jackie: "I have to go watch my daughter martyr herself or something. And find lots more drugs and take them. But that last part's a secret. Let's focus on me being a parent."
Eleanor: "And referring to your husband as your jailer, despite the fact that I was the driving force behind your intervention. And making fun of Zoey's blog out of nowhere."

Baby Boomers, even as you're turning into your parents: "We sniff at the internet because we can't even handle the idea of not understanding everything better than our parents."

Sidney Poitier, once upon a time: "Not until your whole generation has laid down and died will the dead weight of you be off our backs."

PATIENT ONE

Is a drug addict, single mom, whose twelve-year-old called it in and is remarkably and sadly self-possessed.

Eleanor: "Nothing like getting trashed with your twelve-year-old."
Jackie: "Maybe I should try that, if Grace makes it to twelve. Couldn't possibly be more depressing than just hanging out with her normal."
Kelly: "Hey, kid of Patient One. Did I ever tell you about the time I taught Lisa Loeb to love again?"
Jackie: "Just you being nice to a patient or patient's family member makes me want to fucking punch through a wall. Zoey, take this kid outside for a smoke."

Zoey, awesomely: "I do not smoke, but I do have this weird gum that I get in Chinatown. It's black!"

THE CANDY-COLORED CHAOS OF GRACE'S MIND

Grace, after much bitching about this and that: Drops her ten thousand saint cards all over the car. Instantly fifty people's grandmothers drop dead, in Queens alone.
Kevin: "I'll collect your saints, Grace. You just take your mess on into school for the nuns to deal with."

He immediately finds the secret drugs from last season; furrowing occurs.

ALL SAINTS

Jackie ignores a phone call from Kevin after stopping the elevator to think about how she's totally going to ditch Grace's thing tonight so she can get more drugs, and then does some drugs. You know where phones don't work? Hospitals. And elevators. Only if this scene were taking place in the elevator of a parking structure under the hospital could you get worse reception.

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Nurse Jackie

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