Mrs. Greenfield finally gets the chance to introduce her better daughter to Coop, and the daughter blushes, and Coop flirts, and they talk about where they live in the city, and finally the other daughter is like, "Do you have any actual information? Or are we all moving in together?" Melissa and Mom team up on her, a team of two, and then they get the bad news: there was a mass in Mom's bowel, and it needs exploratory surgery. Jackie tells them they'll get somebody down from oncology to discuss it, and the good daughter starts freaking out and asking exactly WTF this means. Melissa tells her to take a Xanax and chill out, and Mom tells her to knock it off and go outside if she's going to cry. God.
So Jackie goes outside the curtain with the other daughter and is like, "Clearly you've been eating shit on their behalf for your entire life?" Yes. "So here's the actual information. Find Laura in oncology, she's the best. Do not write 'oncology' or 'exploratory surgery' on any paperwork, so that all the tests will go on the insurance of the guy who hit her and you won't have to deal with her HMO. And also, bring blankets from home because they cut you off after two." The daughter is moved, as usual, by the acknowledgement as well as the useful information, and gives Jackie the sweetest smile.
Out in the chapel hall, the good daughter is trying to get reception, and Coop takes her down a ways before telling her that she's "a no-bullshit kind of girl," and she betrays herself with a smile before the shoe drops, and he asks if Melissa would go out with him. She nods to herself, curtly, and tells him to ask her himself, "right after my mom gets out of exploratory surgery." Seriously! He panics and realizes he's being a dick, and tries in a begging tone to explain that he's not a dick, but just then she gets full bars, and turns her back on him. I like her.
"You're done," Jackie says to Sam, and tells him either he walks out right now, or she sends him to employee health to pee in a cup. Either way, she doesn't want to see him in her ER. He feels bad for a second, and then gets pissed: "Takes one to know one," he says, and her jaw drops like she's going to karate-chop his face, and he wanders off. Jackie commences freaking out.
Jackie runs to Eddie in the Harmacy, but before she can even begin to unload about her day, he's like, "Yeah, so how's your kid?" She nods and admits that Grace is doing better, then apologizes for keeping her a secret. She goes into serious damage control mode and tells him they need to have coffee, whatever, let's get together and talk about what a huge withholding liar I am, and he begs off. She asks if there's anything else he wants to know, and he says honestly that he doesn't. Apparently her life is Need-To-Know. She kisses him and he tastes like doormat. "There's nothing else I should know, right?" Um, like how she's married and unbelievably in over her head? No, more like maybe she's secretly a cat burglar. That's one word for it. "Believe me," she says with a smile, "My life is not that interesting."