Nurse Jackie

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"I Am The Least Of My Problems."

"Thirtyish male, altered mental status, found disoriented and naked." Huge, like football-player big, he walked into a grocery store and started taking off his clothes. Jackie jumps into the fray, uncuffing his hands and refusing to sedate him -- against the protestations of Coop, of course -- since he's not currently agitated or resisting. There's a neat sort of parallel-treatment thing where Coop does the intake by the letter, while Jackie does the same questions (his name, the year) in a human way, introduces herself, treats the guy like a human being, the whole nine. Zoey says he smells like fresh laundry, which is rare in a wackjob.

When Jackie tells him what year it is, he thanks her sweetly. He's not dumb or anything, he's just real scared and ashamed, and willing to be cool, and gigantic, so he knows better than to do anything crazy. And Jackie knew all that from looking him in the eye, when they first rolled him in. This episode: Quite good.

Coop, he gets there eventually, by the ways Coop gets places: The patient, Marco, is a linebacker for the Florida Gators. Immediately Coop's all, "brotherhood of the broken nose!" and "I'm famous and you're famous!" and "good-looking man to good-looking man" and all the shit he always does, including cancelling his order for sedation that the nurses all totally ignored a second ago.

Coop explains about Marco -- picked in the first round, which linebackers apparently never are -- and Thor rolls his eyes. "I know? I'm gay, I'm not a girl." There are TV shows where that line would make me uncomfortable, or at least unsure of the implications, but let's just say: This is not one of them. Zoey reports on another trauma room, where a 49-year-old lady is having quote "pain in her swimsuit area." Zoey assumes it's appendicitis and Jackie gives her the lady. Coop starts ordering everything in the entire hospital for his new best friend Marco, and is of course completely immune to the irony of his standards for patient care.

Zoey is annoying the presumed-appy lady to no end while doing her chart, and finally gets down to the "sexually active" question. "No. Pretty much just lie there," the woman says, because how are you supposed to know that Zoey's sense of humor is completely unique and bears so little resemblance to the term as we use it that it might as well be a different word entirely? You can actually see Zoey retroengineer the entire joke in her head and reassemble it in Zoey language and then fast-forward her brain back to now: "No, I meant, um... Ah, a joke. Got it."

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Nurse Jackie

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