Nurse Jackie
The Astonishing

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Son of a Bitch, Everything's Real

Jackie, of course: "Your 'place'? Like your home?"
Bill: "Relax. Right up the block. It's the Deco joint with the gargoyles on top."
Jackie: "Go figure."


Is a 25-year-old male who went nuts on the High Line -- which is that pretty park on the West Side that used to be an elevated rail until 1980, which I thought but wasn't sure until I looked it up -- and is probably on angel dust at this current time.

Eleanor: "I need a tox screen. And Thor. Bring me my giant!"

They talk about maybe it's PCP, or glue, and helpfully define for us what a "sherm stick" is, which is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard of: A cigarette dipped in formaldehyde. Why would you do that? Drugs are so fucking stupid. Nobody can come up with any real answers as to what he might be going through right now, leading to this:

Zoey: "Wow. It's so hard to know what's going on inside someone."
Jackie, essentially: "That is a double-edged blade."
Eleanor: "Yes well you two can stand here and mull over his right to privacy while Thor draws blood for a tox screen. Thor?"

Zoey grabs Eleanor and asks her to lunch, because somewhere she came across a $50 giftcard to an Indian restaurant. Eleanor and Jackie have a telepathic conversation of the "I will if you will" type, and Zoey totally calls them out on it, which is funny, and they just sort of shrug and commit fully to the crazy notion of lunch with Zoey.


Gloria comes running through with her new phone, and then heads over to Coop's Childhood Museum of an office to tell him about it. Coop is in a bad way, of course, because divorcing mommies makes him dive into a pool of kiddie crap like Scrooge McDuck. Gloria awesomely opens the door of this dollhouse he's staring at, so she can talk to him through the skeleton of the house.

Coop: "It's a diorama of a 19th-century dentist's office. The three of us made it together for Social Studies. We were up all night."
Gloria: "I'm gonna have this conversation with you once, and only once. Your mothers called me, both of them. They told me about the divorce, and that they're worried about you. This is not my job. You have two mothers. You don't need a third. Get your act together and clean your office. This is a health hazard."

Poor cute mopey little guy is like, "I honestly have no idea what is going on," and she tells him to purge and get it together. Fitch Cooper getting it together. A, it will never ever happen, not on this show; B, that is even scarier than regular Coop.


Jackie sends Sam to take care of the PCP guy, and things get stupid.

Sam: "Drug cases are kind of weird for me? You know? I'm just trying to negotiate everything?"
Jackie, not having it: "Really? Sam, you're a nurse. You don't get to choose who you treat... What would your 'sponsor,' or whatever, tell you?"

I love that bitchy little thing in there, like recovery is this Star Trek: The Next Generation deal that only geeks are into. But not as much as I love his answer:

Sam: "He'd tell me to be of service."

So, yeah.

After she tells him in detail how he can do so, he runs off and Zoey stares and says something about how Jackie would kick ass in AA, and Eleanor does this hilarious oh girl no thing, like practically drawing her thumbnail across her throat, and takes off. Zoey is left wondering why Jackie would care about that, and Jackie runs off to go do a shitload of drugs.


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Nurse Jackie




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