Nurse Jackie

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Waiting To Inhale

Zoey closes her eyes, alone in the hallway, and breathes like she's meditating. "Dear Dr. O'Hara, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the lovely scarf." She then makes an amazing noise: "Ooh! Stationary. And stamps. Mmmgh," she growls, "Stamps!"

Jackie's got Eleanor on I guess fluids when Sam comes in to see what's up. Jackie tries to chase him away because she is mean, and Eleanor immediately gets all over his hotness. He correctly identifies her accent ("London with a touch of Sussex") and explains that he spent Junior year in England: "I'm kind of an anglophile." Eleanor chuckles and says, by way of a startling but titillating coincidence, "How convenient. I'm an Anglo!" She eagerly admits that she's dehydrated and feels "like humping the world," and Sam is adorable with her. Of course, he immediately wants to know if Eleanor has a drug problem, and Jackie explains that her mom just died and she just went clubbing a little hard... And then remembers that she hates Sam, and interrupts herself to tell him to fuck off.

They are a joy to watch. I hope their relationship evolves past this, because it's super fun and makes the point really well -- and I love how he's completely right about everybody even though he's rehab-evangelist guy, and the enemy -- but "Jackie is mean to Sam again" seems like the kind of thing this show might check off in every episode all season long and never do anything with it.

Jackie heads back to work, but not before getting some magazines for Eleanor -- who does an interpretive dance to make her request -- which means heading for Thor's secret stash of tacky celebrity rags. When she points out how gross they are, Thor's all, "Please don't amplify my shame." Eleanor, of course, zeroes in on Goldie and Kate, and gets right back into mommy weirdness: "Mother and daughter, together, just... Loving each other. I should've called my mother more often. Did you know that when I was at university we used to speak to each other every day? I'd forgotten how affectionate she was on the phone." But it's Eleanor, so wait for the punchline: "Speaking of, I can't figure out how to delete her from my contacts." Heh. Eleanor's constant struggle with what she thinks normal people are like.

Sam sludges his way on over to the bar, where Kevin is replacing a window AC unit, and calls him a "strong man," reigniting their bromance, and they talk about Jackie mostly, of course. Kevin's impressed that he remembered about the replacement ring last season, and they are right back in each other's orbit. For his update, Eddie explains about his sad stalkery suicide attempt, but the hoped-for freaking out of Kevin goes a little too far -- he actually looks stricken -- so Eddie turns it around into a "joke" of sorts, and they clink beers, toasting love and women and Jackie, and everything is fine. The slow burn of Kevin and Eddie is really effective because whether Eddie is crazy or not is as invalid and pointless a question as whether Jackie is crazy or not, so every scene together you're like, "Maybe he will freak out, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll kill Kevin, maybe they'll have a snack." It's exactly as creepy and quiet as every other ticking bomb on this show, for the same reasons.

Coop douches around with the little boy Harry, and explains the sweat test -- bundle him up and then measure the chloride in his perspiration -- but of course Jackie already explained it. Coop and Jackie start their usual dick-swinging competition about who's in charge and who's the authority and who's more competent and whom the parents should love more -- again he says "nurse" like it's a swear word -- but the whole thing is curiously amped up and overt this time. It's sort of intimidating, actually, I think partly because the parents are sitting right there but also because having it this early in the episode means that little kid is totally doomed.

Coop wanders away tweeting, explaining Twitter and whatever, and Jackie's like, "You're online talking about that little boy?" He says it's all anonymous, except for the important part -- him -- and asks her if, as a reader, she'd know "cys fib" means "cystic fibrosis," because he's only got so many characters to play with. She explains that "eff you" means "eat shit," and disappears, and Coop decides to send another tweet about how she's a bitch. I love Twitter because it's retarded, but -- like Twilight, or the word "foodie," or 3-D movies -- it's happening. And that is precisely why I love Fitch Coop. He's like the human equivalent of Twitter.

What is everybody? If Zoey were a website she'd obviously be LOLcats or Cute Overload. Eleanor would be somewhere between Goop and Gawker. Jackie is like some kind of role-playing game with giant hammers you swing and kill people. Gloria would be, like, the Drudge Report. All-caps martinet. Or fuckin' Jezebel. Eddie is the cheap bachelor stuff in psycho-looking apartments that defines Craigslist. Kevin, he has something to do with fantasy football -- Deadspin, maybe. Thor is somewhere between TWoP and IBDB, he's too nice for Datalounge. Fiona is easily 4chan or Something Awful, and Grace is utterly totally and completely Livejournal. Sam is all the porn that exists in this world, and God is the comments on IMDB and Youtube. And I guess Mo-Mo is Myspace, now. Awww.

Outside, Zoey dumbly mispronounces Hermés, which humor I thought we all agreed is over, when Sam approaches to bug her about everybody's obvious drug problems. She google-eyes about O'Hara for awhile, doesn't give Jackie's issues a second thought, and then explains that, in case he was wondering which he wasn't, she's not on drugs either. "Although when I go to Great Adventure, I do take Dramamine. Because once on Rolling Thunder, I yacked. And it was a huge bummer." That's pretty funny, but the various gestures involved -- the vomit coming out and then flying back in her face -- push it into genius territory. Bummer indeed. That's when God starts screaming.

Zoey points out God to Sam, explaining that she used to be scared of Him, but now she doesn't mind. "...Oh, and He's crazy," she says, like it's an afterthought and not the main point. Sam, of course, immediately falls in love with Him as He screams at passerby after passerby, and they're treated to the first person ever to react to Him directly, besides Jackie, when a "pizza face" who "shall never marry" picks up a bottle and slugs Him from the street. But I gotta say, honey, with a body like that nobody's going to notice the face. While Sam stares, Zoey runs inside with her hands going all wild, yelling, "God's down!"

They wheel God into the ER as He screams at them about the usual, how they're all pimps and whores and are moments from being smitten, and they order Him up some Vitamin H. I love it when they call it that. Jackie hands Thor the syringe of Haldol, but he doesn't see her on his left side, and she finally has to pat him on the shoulder. (Oh, damn it. Diabetes reveal last week and no peripheral vision this week? That's serious. The cake addiction thing wasn't just a joke, it was a legit parallel. That fucking sucks. I love Thor.) Jackie fills everybody in on how God's schizophrenic and off His meds, and Coop breaks out in a huge smile when he sees Him.

"I know this guy! He told me I was super handsome, like Clark Gable!" God stares up at Coop's ridiculous grin and retracts the statement, which causes Coop to actually swallow his smile, like Rizzo with a cigarette. Zoey winks at God while she's taking His vitals, and is very cute. He tells her she's an angel, which -- since His opinion no longer means anything now that He retracted -- Coop finds funny enough to tweet. Jackie tells him to knock it off, and he starts a new one: "Bitchy nurse being bitchy again..." Which, this is a woman who won't even tell people she has kids or a husband, which is nuts on its own, and you're going to talk about her on the internet? Oh, Fitch. She freaks out, of course, and makes five funny mean faces at him.

Later, Hermés scarf cutely tying her hair back, Zoey thanks God for calling her an angel. As usual it's nutty and beautiful and strange: "When I was younger, I actually thought I was an angel because I had a round face. And I thought about becoming a nun -- Sound Of Music -- but I really like boys, so I didn't. Not all boys, there's one boy. More man. Man-boy. He's totally... Picka picka picka picka." This last with a happy little shrug that I guess implies that he's all over the place, or gives her certain feelings, or something between the two. She realizes talking about boys with God is sort of weird, and he stops swallowing long enough to speak up.

He saw something, when He hit His divine head. "Like what?" she asks, understandingly: "Like a bottle whizzing towards you?" Her delivery here is excellent, as usual. But no, it was a tunnel with a bright light at the end, and at the end of the tunnel was God. But isn't God God? "I mean, I thought you thought you were God." They work through this idea together, because doesn't that mean that He's not God? Yeah, he immediately starts flipping out and screaming, and she screams too, hopping like Paquin, and she runs out to Jackie, who sends her right back in there to handle it.

Brilliant scene transition. So now that Zoey's back in with screaming God, Jackie drops the Easter pills from earlier, which Sam immediately picks up and as

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Nurse Jackie




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