There's a little locked locker on the wall of the Pyxis room, where there's a little slot you drop them in. Of course, seconds later she comes back with the key and retrieves them, but it's awesome because of all the pill-heads on this show constantly scanning the floor for drugs, only Sam is going to trot over to that little box every time. So now whenever he finds something, she's going to get them there, and that's brilliant.
Out in the Virgin Mary hallway, a guy is replacing the smoke detectors, which reminds Jackie of how her daughter is insane. Something about today, maybe Harry, has reminded the king of her kingdom. She calls Kevin and tells him to get one of their regulars, a firefighter named Luis, to visit Grace and explain to her that the house is not just randomly going to burn down. They already have the best smoke detector they make; she can stand down for a little while. She can breathe.
Kevin's impressed, because that's very smart and also means that Jackie was thinking about her kids. Meanwhile, Eddie's still at the bar being creepy and then immediately changing the subject: "Is that your wife? I fuckin' love beer nuts!" Kevin is so easily played. Lucky for Nurse Jackie!
Gloria is having an adorable fight with a piece of tape from her desk dispenser when Jackie drops in. "First of all, Coop will not stop twittering. It is interfering with work and it's pissing me off." Gloria tells her about the formal complaint -- for "insubordination and general bitchiness" -- and Jackie sputters hilariously: "Insubord... Fuckin'-A Twitter tweetering fuckin' dickhead." Exactly.
The second thing is Sam. "Like every newly-sober person, he's convinced that everyone around him is an addict. It's like the born-again guy we had last year." Which, wouldn't it be funny if he were some kind of narc or sleeper and they chose him for that purpose? I mean, I don't think that's the case, but it's funny that we have a zealot at the same time as Jackie's drug-stealing has caused a crackdown.
"Also, one of my nurses needs a pediatric psych referral." Wow, Jackie. Way to step up, finally. I guess Grace got crazy enough that it started threatening her a little. Maybe the metaphors are getting too hard to ignore. Gloria isn't really interested at first, just starts asking demographic questions about the kid, but Jackie's immortal resistance to anybody knowing the facts about her life immediately turns Gloria on like a switch. Jackie finally gets so anxious that she tries to leave, but Gloria relents and gives her a name. Jackie leaves, and Gloria says quietly, "She was tremendously helpful with my boy," and Jackie doesn't quite look her in the eye, but thanks her again.
Which is a great scene, except how does that relate to the baby thing last year? I'm willing to believe, with this show, that they honestly just forgot, but we can just impute at this time that maybe her baby-crazy thing was a result of losing touch with (or just, you know, losing) her own crazy son. Either way, I love it when their history comes out in these begrudgingly sweet ways.
Jackie heads down to check on Harry's test results, and the lady -- politely, firmly -- says like ten times that she can't release them, but Jackie works every angle with those Addict Skillz until finally lighting on the woman's incredibly cute three-month-old. "Smiling yet?" You can almost see the woman start lactating, and you know Jackie's in: "It's really awful when they get sick," she says, which gets the job done, but is also about Grace. Smoke isn't fire. And the opposite is also true: The lack of smoke does not denote a lack of fire. Finally the woman tells her that, though the whole run's not complete, the prelims look good. Jackie leaves with an air of friendliness about her, like they're complicit, and when she's gone the lady picks up her baby's picture and stares, mesmerized by Jackie's powers.
Jackie tries to be even-handed with the parents -- "You have to keep in mind that the doctor has not seen the results yet..." -- but their fear and subsequent relief feels so good that she drops the act and tells them to go home. They cry and weep and thank her, and somewhere over her head a little tally mark appears: Jackie one million, Coop zero yet again. They treat her like a tiny God. And on a normal week, that would be fine -- the king's in her kingdom, all's right with the world -- and Coop could piss himself and do whatever white male stuff he's gonna do. But not this week. Not the week that God took a look at Himself and started screaming.
Something replaced Shea Stadium, and Eddie wants to take Kevin there so they can make out man-style under the blinding bright lights and eat hot dogs and watch whatever sport they do there and continue to stare into each other's eyes forever. I mean, there's a way in which Eddie's Addict Skillz are interfacing with Kevin's Codependent Skillz -- the faulty wiring all around -- that make this whole thing believable and not just straight-up stalking, but it's still funny to see how hard Eddie goes for it. I mean, last year Coop was on everybody's dick and it was funny because of how lonely he is, but with Eddie, it's like he will come to your place of business and sit there all day asking weird questions that make you feel special, and has that thing he has that makes you like him -- that made Jackie fall for him -- and it's like lasers coming at you. Like, everything that Jackie can't do for you.
Jackie sits in the chapel breathing to herself, but overhears Thor secretly eating donuts and rustling the packaging. He swears it's not what she thinks -- donut dust all over his entire body, lying back hidden in a pew -- but she immediately comes after him about the peripheral vision. "Today in trauma with God, I had my hand next to your face for about twenty minutes before you saw it. Also, I just kind of used my Spidey Sense?" He admits that it's done, and that she's the only one who knows -- not even his new boyfriend knows about this particular breakdown. He thanks her for covering, and then offers to show her his shell: They hand-paint them to match. She's amazing about it, of course, and sits back. Clearly, Thor understands the degree to which his habits are fucking him up. No more nagging, now that she knows they're the same. Their faulty wiring.
Thor's opinion on Sam, when she changes the subject: "Well? I think he's really smart. And incredibly cute. And I think he's probably an excellent nurse..." And when Jackie says she doesn't like him, he nods, "Yeah, he's dead to me." Very cute. I wish everybody liked Sam. Or else that he is evil. I like Jackie hating Sam, but not anybody else. I just want to see her to get claustrophobic and limited again and it seems like Sam is the best way to do it. Surround her with smoke detectors, like a magic circle, until something starts beeping.
God's wearing some kind of ridiculous silk robe and Zoey's just hanging out with him in His window, like you do -- just go home with a screaming schizophrenic -- and talks God into screaming at some people. Like, maybe His life isn't a sham, and He's like Jesus: Not God, but somebody "really important in the religious hierarchal stratification." Maybe he's God's nephew, or His brother-in-law. By the time she's back downstairs, she's fixed God's wiring and He can see her soul again: "Strumpet with the thinning hair! I can see your soul! You whore!" It doesn't even bother her anymore. She just nods and thinks about her man-boy and heads back to work. "Lather, rinse, repeat! That's how they'll get you!"