Coop: "I appreciate that you understand my terrible life of being a rich, gorgeous white male. Let us bitch and moan together."
Coop: "Now you sit tight. I'm going to go out there and tell your friends that you jumped on a bomb back here to shield me from its blast, knocking loose a couple ribs and likely doubling the size of your already impressive testicles."
Dudebro: "I wish sucking guy's dicks didn't make me feel so gosh-darned gay... No, you know what? Screw it, today's special. Get over here, man."
SAM IS SO BORING IT'S AMAZING
>Kelly: "I used to work with at-risk teens in the Bronx but then I saved all of the at-risk teens in the entire Bronx so then I moved onto Queens and now there is no poverty in Queens and everybody went to college and then I invented penicillin and then I built a time machine and traveled back in time and killed Hitler and then I did a thousand pushups without stopping and then..."
Sam: "That is so amazing. I'm in AA right now so pretty much all I ever talk about is sobriety. Here, let me show you."
Kelly: "[Fifty AA sayings, apparently none of which Jackie has heard before.]"
Lightbulb: Goes off over Jackie's head, because once again a scene has occurred on this show whose only purpose is providing her with realistic human-being dialogue for later.
Jackie: "Sam, stop fucking around and take some of these hospital things to some hospital place. NOW."
Kelly: "You let her talk to you like that?"
Sam: "It's just... How she talks. It's not personal, we just live in a fictive narrative universe where abrasive, graceless behavior like that is universally praised and applauded."
IF I WERE KELLY
Kelly: "That's retarded."
Coop: "Orrrrr is it feminism? Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History!"
Kelly: "Yeah, but assholes rarely make friends. Feminism isn't a pass to act shitty toward people, even men. Treating it that way makes a mockery of the whole thing, including the very real sacrifices previous generations of women made so we can stand around having this stupid conversation."