Thor: Has developed a monster crush on Kelly which is more adorable than Kelly.
Jackie: "How is your blood sugar? You're looking a little crazed."
Thor, not exactly verbatim: "Girl I feel a little crazed. Crazed, dazed, and stuck in a maze. A maze of crushin'."
Whatever he actually said was so cute it doesn't matter; so cute that not even Jackie can bear to bring the hammer.
MY DOG MY DOG MY DOG MY DOG
Coop, after freaking Kelly out by doing more whiteboy things at him: "Dudebro, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with your bones. According to science."
Patient Two, verbatim: "I know my body, man. Hey, what happened to your foot? My grandma had one of those after bunion surgery."
Coop: "Certainly this is not a bunion."
Patient Two: "I know your body, man."
Coop: "Well, I nearly lost my foot to the 'hoops.'"
Patient Two: "Your unending desperation is so apparent that even I -- a stranger, with no ability to conceptualize how deep that particular well goes -- will throw you a bone."
CRAZY OLD LADY TOWN
Longsuffering Son: "If my mom gets thrown out of her home, she'll come live with me, and then my wife will take her hot 45-year-old ass right out the door.
Eleanor, awesomely: "Let's not catastrophize."
Longsuffering Son: "Literally everything: Xanax, Valium, b-cog, art therapy."
BEST MOMENT OF THE EPISODE (HONESTLY THE SERIES, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER)
Crazy Old Lady: "Good Lord! Arrrrrrt Therrrrrrrrrapy?"
Followed By: The longest, jaw-clenched WASPiest, creakingest, death-rattliest, eloquentest, caricature-of-a-doyennest, hatefullest chuckle of all time. Good God, I can't get to the end of this recap because I gotta keep watching it over and over.
ZOEY'S NONSENSICAL STORYLINE
Patient One: "My dog my dog my dog your boyfriend"
Zoey: "You want to thank Lenny for saving your dog your dog your dog?"
Patient One: "I want you to ask him out for me. Give him my phone number."
Eleanor: "Listen, do you now or have you ever had a problem with alcohol?"
Awesome Old Lady: "Yes. Prohibition."
Eleanor, adoringly: "Yes, it was a dark time in your country's history. I'd have fled. Are you ever able to enjoy a cocktail at St. Alban's?"
AOL: "They give us fruit juice during Happy Hour, it's humiliating."
Eleanor: Contemplates suicide at 70, à la Logan's Run.
AOL: "My husband and I used to travel a lot. Every day at five, we'd have a little sherry. We had such a good time..."
Eleanor: "Boom. One glass of sherry at five, doctor's orders. This whole Pretending To Be Jackie thing is even more awesome when you have surgeon powers."
WHITE MAN BURDENS
Coop: "I identify with your made-up injury because I too know what it is like to feel pain that nobody else can see or believe in. Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? I have that, due to lesbian divorce and a bunion. Also because I am the Worst."
Dudebro: "Men have it so tough! Nobody understands that except for other men, who are the only people whose sympathy matter, because they are the only real people."
Coop: "I appreciate that you understand my terrible life of being a rich, gorgeous white male. Let us bitch and moan together."
Coop: "Now you sit tight. I'm going to go out there and tell your friends that you jumped on a bomb back here to shield me from its blast, knocking loose a couple ribs and likely doubling the size of your already impressive testicles."
Dudebro: "I wish sucking guy's dicks didn't make me feel so gosh-darned gay... No, you know what? Screw it, today's special. Get over here, man."
SAM IS SO BORING IT'S AMAZING
>Kelly: "I used to work with at-risk teens in the Bronx but then I saved all of the at-risk teens in the entire Bronx so then I moved onto Queens and now there is no poverty in Queens and everybody went to college and then I invented penicillin and then I built a time machine and traveled back in time and killed Hitler and then I did a thousand pushups without stopping and then..."
Sam: "That is so amazing. I'm in AA right now so pretty much all I ever talk about is sobriety. Here, let me show you."
Kelly: "[Fifty AA sayings, apparently none of which Jackie has heard before.]"
Lightbulb: Goes off over Jackie's head, because once again a scene has occurred on this show whose only purpose is providing her with realistic human-being dialogue for later.
Jackie: "Sam, stop fucking around and take some of these hospital things to some hospital place. NOW."
Kelly: "You let her talk to you like that?"
Sam: "It's just... How she talks. It's not personal, we just live in a fictive narrative universe where abrasive, graceless behavior like that is universally praised and applauded."
IF I WERE KELLY
Kelly: "That's retarded."
Coop: "Orrrrr is it feminism? Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History!"
Kelly: "Yeah, but assholes rarely make friends. Feminism isn't a pass to act shitty toward people, even men. Treating it that way makes a mockery of the whole thing, including the very real sacrifices previous generations of women made so we can stand around having this stupid conversation."
Coop: "Stop blaming the victim!"
Kelly: "Um, stop calling yourself a 'victim' and start taking responsibility for your own actions. The way other people behave has no bearing on your own behavior. What you do is up to you. Absolutely, perfectly, eternally your call. Why waste that freedom on being an asshole?"
Coop: "Nurse Jackie is a hero!"
Kelly: "Yeah, sure. When she acts like one. Do the work."
BUT IN REALITY
Kelly: Twitters madly about the Nurses' Station political situation from Ground Zero. Praying for somebody to join him in blessed uprising.
Tunie and the girls are playing Mystery Date! -- the classic heteronormative game for young ladies who don't yet know that they're defined by the men they are able to trap into putting a ring on it, through pure chance and slight avarice -- when Jackie calls home.
Kevin: Is at a softball game, happy about Jackie's ruse.
Kevin, nevertheless: Seems to have opted for "never coming home, ever" as a coping strategy in the interim.
Jackie: "Works if you work it, right?"
Followed by: Disturbing, near-hysterical laughter.
Jackie: "Where's that Percocet we're pretending was for the GSW?"
Eddie: "Patient One was tolerating the pain so Kelly traded it in for Motrin."
Eddie, verbatim: "Score another one for the female of the species. You guys are rockin' it."
Jackie: Joins my dog my dog my dog in Eddie's Inner Sanctum, onetime home of the Sex Cot and currently where Mother Mary prays for us all.