NYPD Blue

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548 USERS: C+
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Everybody Plays The Mule

Di and Kirky stride back in there. Kirky grabs the garbage can back, asking if he used it. Di starts with, "Do you know what a mule is, Lucas?" Um, are they just plain stupid with a stubborn streak, like in the song? No, the nice cop means DRUG MULE. "Oh my God!" exclaims Lucas. Are you surprised that he's surprised? Kirky asks incredulously, "Are you trying to tell us that you didn't know your girlfriend was out of the country?" Lucas, who couldn't be digging himself any deeper than if he had a backhoe, asks, "Well, how long would she be gone for? Twenty-four hours? I'm sick, I have to leave!" Yeah, right. Di and Kirky get the Blue Cop lackey du jour, Lou, to fetch a basin and keep bodily fluid watch. When Lou protests, Di says, "You wanna catch him barehanded?" Oh, I hate scatological humor.

Over at the hospital, Sip and Ricky arrive panting and gasping, just in time to convince Boris's doctor to let them talk to him about his two missing boys before she commits him to the loony bin. The doctor decides to postpone treatment, even though Boris is seeing and hearing things, and Ricky and Sip drag Boris away. He's totally gone, though. NUTS.

Cut to Lucas being dragged down the hall to the bathroom, with dope-filled condoms dropping from the cuffs of his jeans. Lou and Hank, on other-duty, ask John to stand guard on the hall full of heroin balloons. John looks properly horrified and grossed-out. If I had a reaction shot I'd do it the same way.

So, Lucas is in the john, doing the poop thing, with lovely sounds to illustrate, and Di comes in with a smug look on her face, like she just KNEW Lucas was a mule too. Lucas is like, "Could they bust inside me?" Di's like, "You wouldn't be so chatty if they had busted." Then all three cops do once-twice-three-SHOOT for poop-sorting duty. Lou loses, and Hank is like, "One small win for the black man." Di's like, "Give a name," and Lucas gives up someone named Rico. Rico paid Edie and Lucas $5000 each to make drug runs. That's a lot of cash! I bet real drug mules get paid lots less. Like, in drugs or something. Lucas continues with the truth-telling: "Edie looked bad in the van coming back from the airport. She died, like, so fast?" So who cut her open, and threw her under the bus, Lucas? "My eyes were closed, with sickness and with sadness for Edie!" So, if Rico was cutting her open, who was driving the van? Lucas is like, "Uh oh." Retard. Lou hands over a poop-'n'-drug-filled basin to Hank, who takes it to the sink muttering, "They only let you THINK you win." Sing it, brother.

NYPD Blue

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