NYPD Blue
Everybody Plays The Mule

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Everybody Plays The Mule

Back at the precinct, a blonde lady comes in and asks John to speak with a "detocktiv." She has a Russian accent, so could you read all of her dialogue with one? Thanks. While you're at it, would you put your hands in the air and wave them all around like you just don't care? Just do it, you'll feel better. Now take a deep breath and hold it. Hold it. Now slowly let it out. Isn't that refreshing? Anyway, the yummy Baldwin comes over to speak with the lady and she takes a look at him and says, "Ees dere another vone?" Ah, a bigot, perhaps? She goes on to explain that her children have been missing for three days and her husband, also with a Russian accent, pooh-poohs her and says the kids are with his sister. Then Baldwin suggests that perhaps they should speak with Sip and they say that would be preferable. Oh boy, these people do not know Sip, now, do they? And do their eyes work? Baldwin is HOT. And Sip is so not. Anyway, as Baldwin leads Meester Zhivago to Sip he pats the Russkie on the shoulder. The Russkie flinches a leetle at Baldwin's touch. Creep.

In the coffee room, Sip, Ricky, Baldwin and the Zhivagos hunker down. "Our boys are four and seven, too young to be avay!" says Meesees Zhivago. The night Meester Zhivago took the boys to be with his "seester," the Zhivagos had had a fight. The Meester says, "Tell! It is too stupid for me to say." The wife had eaten a shrimp off her son's plate and the couple buys food separately. Okay, who was thinking, "plate of shrimp"? "The food doesn't belong to her!" yells the husband. "Eet vasn't hers to take! So she goes into the bedroom for more kadeen." The Blue cops all look at each other until Baldwin asks, "What's kadeen?" The Ruskie goes nuts, yelling, "You don't know what kadeen is? You've never heard of kadeen? It's an expensive medicine. Painkillers." A giant lightbulb goes off Sip's head and he says, "Codeine." The Ruskie says, "Yes. Cangreetulations." The wife finds her voice and says, "Eef you have teken them back to Russia I vill haate yooou." Oh my God, why aren't these two out to get that Moose and Squirrel? Maybe their "boys" ARE a moose and a squirrel! Wow, that would be weird for Blue, but I think the audience can accept it. I know I'm ready. The husband, who I will now call Boris, pronounces this "a vaste of a morning," and makes to leave. The wife (Natasha, of course) says she will bring in photos from the living room for the cops to see. Boris mocks her, and they go.

As Boris and Natasha leave the station house, Greg comes in with these very Vanilla "Cold As" Ice sunglasses on. I'll try to describe them further; you know when someone thinks they look really cool and people are staring at them, not because they look cool but because they look like an idiot? Wait, I'll try again. They look like BA HA HA HA HA!! Sorry. Boris bugs out at the sight of DJ Kool Greg ("You take me to a crazy place") and so does everyone else. Sip and Ricky are half looking away and Baldwin is just struck dumb. Ricky asks what the hell is up with those glasses and Sip tells him, "TAKE OFF THEM GLASSES." Greg has some eye refraction and has to keep the glasses on for a while because he got special eyedrops put in. This is called comedy, people. Baldwin suggests Sip interview Boris's sister because Boris was a bigot, and Sip growls first to Baldwin then to Greg, "Don't make assumptions. Do not talk to anyone outside this building with those glasses on." Greg says he has twenty more minutes with the sunglasses and leaves with Baldwin, shooting a look at John, who for ONCE does not get a reaction shot to play with. Hello, I'd like to report a robbery! John the PA has lost his reaction shot! Sip glowers at Ricky, who looks like he's thinking of taking a paper clip but changes his mind.

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