Little Abner

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Alex Richmond: D | Grade It Now!
Little Abner

Back at the stationhouse, Di and Kirky walk into Fancy's office with the info on their rape case. Kirky says, "She could have been raped. Her kit was positive and she had a hell of a shiner." Di, still fussy, says, "It was hard to get a read on it with her doctor running interference." Then they say that they think Greg and Baldwin should interview Paul the Rapist as well. Okay!

In front of John's desk, the reticent bartender is cooling his heels. Fancy tells Greg and Baldwin about their upcoming rape interview, and Sip asks how the bartender's doing. Greg calls him "sulky." Sip goes, "Sulky, huh?" Ricky, ever sarcastic (and we love him for it), goes, "Don't most people come in here doing cartwheels and carrying on?" Hee! Then Fancy corrals Baldwin and drags him off to speak to him privately. Ooh!

Fancy, super-serious, says, "I want you to call Joe Abner. He said he's going to take a vacation." Baldwin says, "The last time he was in here it seemed like he could use one." Fancy couldn't look more concerned as he continues with, "He said 'bye,'" and Baldwin says, "Say 'bye' back." Don't you get it, Baldwin? Things are bad! Fancy says patiently, "Call him. Keep him talking. See how he seems." Baldwin just stands there like a huge, attractive man until Fancy says, "Do it now," and Baldwin hops to it.

I am so SICK of those VW ads with the Nick Drake song. It's selling a CAR, not a mood. What's next, a freaking Valium ad with a Belle and Sebastian song? If so, please kill me now.

Ricky and Sip are interviewing the Reticent Bartender. He says that Pat, the DOA, "liked to chase tail," and that he "witnessed Pat and Angela doing it on top of the bar." Lovely! Then he asks if Dino "The Rat" could be covered from reaching out to whack Pat since he's already plea-bargained a sentence. Ricky says that plea-bargain just covers crimes already committed, not new crimes. The reticent bartender suggests they look at Dino, the "cheese-eating scumbag." See? It's good to open up!

Baldwin is calling Lt. Abner's house, with Fancy perched on his desk awaiting results. Baldwin hangs up without having spoken to anyone. Fancy says, "I know he has a machine, I've left messages." Baldwin goes, "Yeah, and if he has a dog, it's driving him crazy." Well, if he has a dog, you should TALK TO IT! That's what machines are for! All my friends leave my dog little messages when they call. For all I know, when I'm out he calls them back! It's like driving by a bunch of cows; if you don't stick your head out the window and yell "moo" at them, you probably don't have a pulse. So, say "woof" or "good doggie" then next time you're calling someone who lives with a dog. I bet David Milch loves dogs. Anyways, Fancy says he's gong to go by Lt. Abner's house to check on him.

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